Big Love Dating
2019.05.11 14:30 frnkleiw405 LoversBud
LoversBud is a for all those who believe in love. Be you single and searching, dating, married and complicated, LoversBud is the home for you. It’s been over 2 years of spreading love to the world and shinning light on the darkest relationships. Putting smile on the faces of over 100k couples worldwide and still counting. A big thank you to all our faithful readers who have never wavered in their support.
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2020.12.03 01:10 RedditSuggestName 38 [F4M] #SoCal4SoCal - LTR. I'm looking for my guy. He'll love cats and dogs, want marriage and kids.
TL;DR: BBW, loves Disneyland, TV and her pets (2 cats and 1 dog); looking for a fellow DDF guy, who wants to get married and have kids in a couple years, too.
My dream is to find the whole 9 yards: friendship, fall in love, get married, raise kids together, with our pets; then we retire someplace warm or with a beach view. Does that sound good to anyone else?
I'm looking for a serious, long term, monogamous relationship.
I hope to meet someone with some similar interests, so we have something in common, but not someone exactly the same as me, because I don't think that'd be interesting or make for a good partnership.
We’d be partners that help each other out, making life more enjoyable along the way.
If my long post is any indication, I’m a chatty texter; I respond as soon as I can. I will send things that remind me of you. Tell you how my day went, will want to hear about yours. I miss waking up to a good morning and ending the day with a good night text.
Apparently I have to say this explicitly. Only message if you are single and are also looking for commitment.
Locals only, because I do want to meet; COVID safe of course.
Be prepared to video chat. I have no desire to be catfished.
If you're allergic to cats and/or dogs, please don't message me. I know from experience, it's not going to go anywhere.
THE LONG POST:
- I’m a Hispanic 5’2, single, curvy/BBW, with hazel green eyes, naturally dirty blonde hair (I dye it purple); living in the Santa Clarita Valley. I'm 38 years old.
- I want to live my life filled with love, laughter, family, yummy food, my puppy and kitties, and one day, kiddos.
- I’m at the stage in my life where I'm financially stable, and am ready to have kids in a couple years. I'm looking for a partner who is in the same life stage as me.
- I have 2 cats and 1 dog, I love them a lot. They’re my fur babies. They’re indoor animals. 2 are my shadows, they follow me everywhere, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I'll always have indoor pets in my life.
- I’m empathetic; if there is something bothering you, I’d do what I can, within reason, to try to help. I’m a planner too. If either of those freak you out, then we won’t get along long term.
- I’ve never been married, don't have kids yet, I’m STD and drug free - I’m looking for the same.
- As for race, height, weight; none of that matters to me. It's more important to me that we're in the same life stage - that you’re ready for marriage and kids. As for age, for the most part, it doesn't matter to me; but I can't see anyone younger than 28 or older than 50, being ready for kids. If you are, then just explain it to me.
- I'm staying sane through the pandemic with the help of my 3 fur babies, and lots of TV.
Let's see, I've watched: Ozark, Narcos, Narcos Mexico, Dead to Me, Legacies, Living with Yourself, Preacher, Fleabag, Silicon Valley, Twin Peaks (old, movie and new), Ray Donovan, On Becoming a God in Central FL, Penny Dreadful, The Umbrella Academy, Perry Mason, The Boys, Atlanta, What We Do in the Shadows (still need to watch the movie; it's not on any of my streaming services right now), The Orville, Atypical, rewatching Supernatural.
- I've been COVID tested a few times. I'm more than fine getting another test before meeting you. Please be prepared to do that same.
- I know COVID has added challenges to the already difficult world of dating. But thanks to restaurant patios, we can safely meet.
Honestly, if there isn't at least a plan to meet within a month of talking, I'm out. I'm not looking for a penpal.
(I’m not a cook, so eat out at like Chipotle and poke bowl places. I like going to fancy restaurants a couple times a year. I’ll only go to concerts if I’ve got a good seat. This usually means buying the ticket the moment they go on sale. I’m not paying scalper prices. For travel, I like to do it as economical as possible. Though when I went to Europe, I had the fold down seat on the airplane; no way was I flying 17 hours in economy. But it wasn’t the fanciest seat either; it was the middle version. I like staying at fancy hotels on occasion, but booked well in advance to get a good deal, which is about $300/night. I have a Disneyland annual pass, I do get a cheap hotel there on occasion, when I can be there for 2 days in a row; doggy goes with me. Hopefully you’ll have or want a pass too; if you don’t like going, fine, but help buy them for our kids).
- I'm a homebody who likes going out on special occasions.
- My hobbies include TV show and movie marathons; Disneyland (at night); Rock concerts.
- My Favorite shows: Arrested Development, Chuck, Friends, Agents of Shield, Game of Thrones, Schitt’s Creek, Supernatural, Umbrella Academy, The Mandalorian.
- Favorite movies: Corpse Bride, Airheads, Blow, The Departed, Office Space, The Prestige, Marvel Comic Universe, Harry PotteFantastic Beasts, Star Wars.
- Favorite bands: Pantera, Metallica, Green Day, My Chemical Romance, AFI. The most recent concerts I've been to are movie composer orchestra combos. i.e., Danny Elfman, and Ramin Djawadi.
- I have (had? Haha) a long commute. I listen to a podcast in the morning (The Ralph Report) and audiobooks at night; music too when I’m in the mood. Constantly looking for new audiobooks. Would appreciate recommendations. I like fantasy books; Harry Potter, A Song Of Ice and Fire, Mistborn trilogy.
- I live a healthy lifestyle (mind and body). I talk to a therapist. Pre-COVID, I worked out daily. I’m on a weightloss journey. I would need to be with someone who’s supportive. Possible even currently going through the same thing or did in the past.
- I need to be with someone that doesn’t give a shit about women having stretch marks, cellulite, and bellies.
- Be hygienic, I am. Brush your teeth at least twice a day. Be a fan of mint and gum. Shower daily. Change undies daily. I’m very attracted to men who have nice smiles and who smells nice. So yeah, I’d like it if you wear cologne. I wear perfume on special occasions; mostly floral scents.
- I‘m Liberal. For example, I don’t think wanting universal healthcare so that I don’t have to worry about bankrupting myself and my loved ones, should I get in a horrible accident or cancer, makes me an evil socialist. It makes me want my country to be on par with the rest of the civilized world.
- I’m not very religious, I don’t think I can be with someone who is. I wouldn’t be good at religious conversations and I would not go to church.
- I wouldn’t care if you have tattoos or piercing. I don’t have any tattoos, only my ears are pierced.
- I’m middle class, and would need to be with someone in at least a similar financial situation, so we can enjoy doing things together.
- I’m a fan of paying for my own stuff (food, tickets and what not). Long term, we’d split (50/50) the mortgage. Split the cost of vacations. We’d split the cost of kids.
We’re adults here; adults pay their own way.
I am NOT looking to be a sugar baby and won’t be someone else’s sugar momma.
- Traveling, of course I love to travel. I want to go back to Europe, I need to visit places like the PNW, Niagara Falls, Boston. When I have kids, I want to take them at least once to NYC for xmas (I love Christmas Tree lights); I would love to spend the other holidays in some place warm, like Australia/New Zealand, or Cabo. I like staying in fancy hotels. Room service is awesome. Taxis/Ubers are awesome. Right now, my job allows me to take a month off for vacations in summer. I need to start taking advantage of that.
- My dream is to retire early; in about 20 years. Not sure how that'll work with having children, but both things are worth attempting.
- I'm not a fan of being in the sun, because I get sunburnt easily. This is a big reason for why I am not an outdoorsy person.
- I hate being cold. I can’t sleep when I’m cold. I’m a big fan of heaters and electric blankets.
- I won’t care if you watch sports. Just don’t make me watch, don’t make our lives revolve around them, and we’ll get along. I don’t mind going to live sporting events, maybe once or twice a year. I’ll have no idea what’s going on, but I’ve had fun attending the few sporting events I have.
- I love my family, but it's a complicated relationship. I need a partner who understands this. Who will follow my lead with dealing with them, and above all else, will not try to interfere.
- I very much love my siblings, my relationships with them are very important to me. That makes me not want to have just 1 child. I’d want to give siblings. I think I’d want to have at least 2 kids, possibly 4 if they were really good haha.
- I’m pro vaccinations; sorry, can’t let an anti vaxxer touch me. If we were lucky to have kids, they would be vaccinated. In 2019, I got up to date with MMR and DTap booster shots, got the flu vaccine, and got the HPV vaccines. You’ll get bonus points if you’ve done this too. Yes I got a flu vaccine in 2020. And will be getting the COVID vaccine once it’s safe to do so.
- As far as sex life goes, I need to be with someone who gets off on making me orgasm; I'm that way, so need to be with a partner who feels the same. I’d never want to go without foreplay again (kissing, cuddling, oral, fingering (you gotta know where the G-Spot is)).
Only a guy willing to to get an STD test and wear condoms gets to touch me.
I'm not into any pain, only pleasure, for both parties.
No, I’m not looking for anything casual or a FWB. No we would not see if we’re sexually compatible out on the first few dates.
Sex is an important part of a lasting relationship, but it’s not the only thing. We have to click elsewhere before we get to sex.
Honestly, if we can't have sex at your place, then this isn't going to work out. I'm extremely tired of talking to guys who have all these seemingly reasonable parent/sibling reasons why I can't go to their place. I've had enough. It now sounds to me like these guys are really married and trying to find an unwitting mistress. I’m sorry if that isn’t you. I tried keeping an open mind, but I can’t do that anymore.
- As far as living together, the introvert in me is scared and wants to take our time, and I do mean a very long time. The part of me that craves daily physical touch can’t wait to move in together, ha.
I love the idea of each of us having a private space to go to if we just need some alone time. I think that’ll be important when we have kids, and are 10+ years into this.
Honestly, the thought of sharing a bathroom again terrifies me. I think that if it was the social norm for everyone to have their own bathroom, the divorce rate would go way down.
I am looking forward to cuddling before we fall asleep and when we wake up, and having sexevery day, ha
I do need to be with someone who is okay with my animals sleeping in the room. My dog sleeps on his own side of my king sized bed. One cat usually sleeps on her own, but about 5 am, insists on sleeping on my feet. The other cat is a loaner. He sleep downstairs usually; on occasion he’ll sleep next to the dog.
Hopefully we can find some kind of compromise; maybe move to a duplex or we'd have a very big home, with a master bedroom, with attached his and her bathrooms.
- When I get married, I absolutely don’t want a big wedding. The introvert in me couldn’t handle the attention. Plus I think it’d be a huge waste of money. I want to elope. Just me and my guy, saying our vows with someplace beautiful in the background, like the ocean. Then immediately starting the honeymoon haha
- I don’t do drugs, don’t smoke anything at all; this includes 420 stuff. I drink alcohol on special occasions, but it’s not often. I’d need to be with someone who is the same. I can’t be with an addict.
Thank you for reading. I know this was long, but I know what I want. Has anyone seen the great early 2010s show Happy Endings? There’s a quote that I think describes what I’m looking for. Someone to realize: “I found a woman who was so sure of what she wanted, and she wanted me.” Brad to wife Jane, S2E18 ‘Party of Six.’
In the subject line, or first line of the chat, please put your eye color. This helps me weed through the guys who only claim to read my post. And if you really want me to respond, then mention things that we have in common. I’ve included more than enough things to kick off a conversation.
Those who need NOT apply:
- Liars and cheaters (I will be honest and monogamous, and expect the same)
- Racists (I do not think people who move to a new country, searching for a better life, are criminals. If you disagree, we won't get along.)
- Physically abusive, violent (maybe I've watched Big Little Lies too many times...)
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2020.12.03 01:08 pyopoarmate I (42F) am tired of my family seemingly resenting me and viewing me as weak for staying with my husband (40M) after he cheated on me.
9 months ago, my husband was at a friends birthday party, and he was drunk, and he got a blowjob from some early-20s girl who was at the party, and then they apparently had sex for a few seconds before he stopped and left. He told me the next day what happened. I was devastated, and also somewhat relieved. I am gonna be honest, there is an attractiveness gap between us, in that he is a very hot, fit guy and I am a chubby short woman lol. I have, somewhat, always SLIGHTLY suspected cheating, its always been in the back of my mind since we started dating, like "why would he not cheat on me? he could get any girl he wanted". But it was never too big for me to really think THAT much about it. ANYWAYS, when he told me that, some part of me was relieved, in that I know now that he does feel bad about cheating and that he isn't banging supermodels every week while I'm at work.
I was still devastated though to a large extent, and I told my sister and mother about it and we talked for a while. They really wanted me to leave him, they have absolutely zero tolerance for it, but I was pretty torn and wanted to stay. As you can tell from the title, I ended up staying. We do have an amazing marriage together, and one drunken mistake that he right away apologized over... it seems absolutely absurd that I could just give up my 13 year marriage over it. We are very happy together, I couldn't even really imagine my life without him. Hes a bit of an goofball idiot but thats okay.
But my family, holy shit, they are seemingly angry with me over my decision. They bring it up to me a LOT, how they hate him, and how they think I need to leave him, and how horrible cheaters are. I've told them, please, stop bringing this up, its my marriage. They just won't listen, its like they think I am under some kind of spell or that I have stockholm syndrome, they are honestly kind of gaslighting me in a way. Any justification I give for staying is met with this sort of "you sound insane" attitude. He is not allowed to any family events (which we arent having regardless, due to covid, but they've made it clear that he WOULDNT be allowed). I mean this whole ordeal is really, really frustrating me, it feels like I cant even talk with my family anymore. They view me as some kind of prisoner to a horrible husband. I think the fact that he is attractive also makes them think that. They think he is so handsome charismatic manipulator or something, when he is really the opposite of that.
The other thing is that they almost make me feel weak or insecure or have 'pity' on me. Its not only aimed at my husband, they seem to have an issue with MY decision to stay with him, almost like they are upset with me. Its weird because at times they will make it seem as if I am some helpless poor girl being manipulated by this guy, and other times they get angry with me about it, like is it 'my fault' or is it my husbands fault? I know I am making them out to be horrible but I do love them a lot and they are great people and I cant imagine being without them, its just they have a weirdly traditional mindset about this topic specifically.
I love my family and I love my husband, and I am not gonna give up either one. But what the fuck am I supposed to do? When this pandemic ends, and we start having social events, I am gonna be stuck in even more of a conundrum when suddenly we have to figure out who is invited to things and who is not simply because apparently they hate my husband. What do I do? How do I get them to drop this? How can I ever have it so that we can just be a family again?
TL;DR - - My family hates my husband and thinks I should leave him because he cheated on me and I stayed.
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2020.12.03 00:58 PopCandy420 Don't know how to confront my (20F) boyfriend's (21M) about feelings of guilt after sex. Any advice?
I don't know if this is the right subreddit for this type of ordeal but here we go,
So as background: After I got broken up with my ex due to him cheating and moving away for college, I decided that I'm going to stay single and not really put too much effort into going on dates.
I did a lot of reevaluation of what happened and realized that in a relationship ,I need someone who has the same energy as me, allows me to have my life and friends, lots and lots of affection and physical intimacy such as hugs, kisses, etc.
Now many months passed by and I got together with my now boyfriend and I honestly can't ask for more. It honestly feels like we really are on the same wavelenght and can communicate well with each other.
Now recently he told me that he went to the doctor to figure out why he can't ejaculate during sex and the doctor told him physically everything is fine. Its more of a psychological reason such as religion (my boyfriend is a Christian).
Honestly, even though we did have sex a number of times, it does bother me because it means that either he is struggling with his faith in terms of whether to do it or he is struggling with sexual urges.
I can't really say that I am religious as he is because I don't go to church and do all those things, but I can see why it can be giving him some problems. So I think it could be best we hold off on it for a while to figure out what to do from there.
If he decides it'll be best to wait until we are engaged or something, I don't see it as a problem and would be willing to wait until he feels he is ready or wants to tie the knot. Other than that, I feel he makes me feel loved and treasured.
We haven't been able to see each other as often due to school and 2020 running its course so I think it also plays a big part.
I want to confront him to discuss how to go about this matter but I am not sure how to do it.
Any advice would be appreciated
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2020.12.03 00:52 Aniobi This is a dumb question
I currently identify as bisexual. I have a boyfriend. Every few months I go through this phase of wanting to drop everything and meet a woman and just date a woman. I just really want to be a with a woman. However, I do love my boyfriend. But I also am not like super into the sexual stuff. And looking back I only ever had sex with guys like I was abusing drugs or drinking a lot, I never enjoyed it. I’m 23 right now. I love my boyfriend but there’s this big part of me that feels neglected or missing.
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to LesbianActually [link] [comments]
2020.12.03 00:41 KILLSWITCHXC 20 [M4A] Anywhere/Denver Colorado Make new friends here? How about best friends? 😊 Lets see if I can make you laugh somehow
HEY HOWS IT GOING! My names Juan, I know typical Mexican name. Anyways, so a little about me I love drawing, animals, music, some animes, food, and I love video games! I have 1 dog and 2 cats which are my rocks and im 6'3. Im text back fast and when im about one person im all about that one person so you never have to worry! I also give reassurance heavily because you can never be too reassured. Also here's me-> http://imgur.com/a/RHeK8F8
So im not searching for anything in peticular. ALSO whether you're tall, small, big, skinny or even age! I love everyone for who they are inside and yes im a hopless romantic. I do want that kissing at the red light type of love though if I ever find it 😅. Anyways im that type of guy that will be there for you regardless of how late it is, even though It feels like I never sleep lol.
Feel free to message me and I know since the whole pandemic is going on its really kinda hard to go anywhere in person. Don't be shy I dont bite and im sure ill make you life if not then I owe you a food date 😊 anyways, have a great day thank you for reading.
P.s. Ill let you eat my fries 🍟
submitted by KILLSWITCHXC
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2020.12.03 00:39 TheLamp00n TIFU by Accidentally Eating Marijuana Edibles
TL;Dr: My Fiancé bought 60mg peach rings, I woke up at around midnight with a sweet tooth, and ate two of them in a disoriented sleepy state. I had not ever done marijuana until that point, and I got very, very high.
So, My fiancé of two years is a marijuana consumer, she enjoys a good buzz after work, and I enjoy a glass of whiskey and a cigar once a month, that’s just the way we are, she’s happy, I’m happy.
She had always wanted to get me stoned since our first date, since I had never tried marijuana, and I had always promised that our wedding night would be our first time getting high together.
I include this information, because I feel I need to emphasize how unprepared my body was for what happened to me.
Yesterday, I got out of the hospital due to COVID complications, I am feeling about 80% normal I’d say, congested, but normal, and I felt extremely exhausted, so I went to our bedroom and crashed out.
When I awoke, the thirst in my mouth was sandy, and the heat from my body seemed almost leeched entirely into the bed. So I got up, and looked at my phone, as you do, and I see that it’s around 11:30 pm. I walk into my kitchen, and I get myself a giant glass of cold water. My fiancé is on video calls with her friends in the living room, foggy smoke fills the air.
She has Oreos by her, but I am balls out naked, and if I were to go, her webcam would surely capture the shmeat and broadcast it to four women and a flamboyantly gay man enjoying their night.
But I’m sleepy and I want sweets
So in my stupor, I open the snack cupboard, and grab... peach rings, that’s all the bag says on the top, (brand)Peach Rings.
I popped one in my mouth, and grabbed two more, and put the baggy back in the cabinet, and scuttled off, but after the second peach ring, the aftertaste was bitter, I figured they were just sugar free, but because I have a mild allergic reaction to some sweeteners, I decided to go back to read the ingredients on the back of the package:
On the FRONT OF THE BAG it actually says (brand) THC INFUSED peach rings, 60 mg... my initial thoughts weren’t so abnormal, 60 mg sounds like nothing, like if I took a 60 mg ibuprofen that would barely be any ibuprofen, right? So my logic was that it would be like taking almost nothing
So I called my fiancé into the room with me, and I told her what happened, she told me to eat something right away, she ended up warming me up some Chef Boyardee Ravioli, and sat me down at our dining table, and I pulled out my phone to watch something.
Between bites of nuclear tomato sauce and super-processed meat filled pasta, I picked up my phone and went to type “king of the hill” on Hulu.
I got three letters in and suddenly it felt like I had just had my hand in the snow, you know that numb sensation that makes you feel like your hand is a lot fatter or wider than it is? I couldn’t muster the dexterity to type anymore
Then I looked over to my fiancé, and it was like a laggy video game, I moved, but my vision didn’t keep up with my movement, like 30 seconds later I was mentally where my body was.
I could only say what I felt in that moment, a long and whispery “Noooooooooooo~”
That got the attention of my lover, who looked at me and said “how does your nose feel”, which cued me to touch my nose, it felt like it was feet away from my eyes.
From here, my memory gets spotty, but here’s how I remember the rest of the night:
The time on my phone was now 12:45 am
my fiancé tells me to finish my food, and I did, but every bite felt it was minutes long
When I ate all of my ravioli, I said I wanted to go to bed
Suddenly- I am in bed and I look at my phone, it’s 12:50, this upset me, I remember trying to reason with my feelings, because I felt like it should have been much later
My fiancé comes into the bedroom, I ask her how I got there
I call for her
She’s next to the bed now, and I get an overwhelming sense of dread in my gut and chest, everything is spinning
She tells me I’ll be okay, and touches my head
In close my eyes for what feels like a long while, I open them,
She’s still in the same position, over me, playing with my hair.
It’s 1:15 am, and I am relatively lucid, and paranoia is just barely getting his Dick lubed up for me
At some point I wanted to cuddle with my woman, because I felt like I was somewhat safe when we were closely embraced.
from this point forward this is what she says happened
“You wanted me to cuddle but your fever was so hot I couldn’t just spoon you in good conscience, but you tucked your face into my neck and the rest of your body was diagonal across the bed”
“You asked how long the feeling would last, I told you that you weren’t even at your peak yet, and you cried, which is so not you, you don’t cry, which got me panicked”
“You asked me to read the back of the package to you, and when I got up to go get it, you stopped me and asked me where I was going, when I told you, you said okay, then when I got back, you asked me where I went”
“You said thank you for the macaroni about 10 times, and I said you’re welcome, but then I asked /what macaroni/ your final time, which made you talk about how they don’t eat meat sauce on their spaghetti in Italy”
“You told me that if you died of Rona, that you didn’t want me to tell your mom and dad you did weed”
“You asked me to read a Wikipedia article about how to stop a weed overdose, which I couldn’t find because it doesn’t exist”
“I made you chew on black peppercorns, because it makes some people sober up, but you just kept saying you couldn’t taste it”
“At about 2-2:30 am, you just kept asking me how long it had been every 2-5 minutes, then you fell asleep, and you’d wake up and then wake me up periodically to tell me you think it’s going away”
And that’s how it went for an few hours
things I apparently hallucinated while awake and did not dream like I thought I did
The bed filling with water like a waterbed
My sisters coming over but hiding from me
My phone ringing
The window (second story) being tapped on
My dad coming in the room and saying things to me like “I’m disappointed in you”
The room moving in twisty ways, or like I was floating on a boat
It’s now been 16 hours and I still feel a little off
My fiancé says there are things she won’t tell me about my time on my trip, things she wants to keep to herself, she says they aren’t about her or me, but she thinks that they are a big part of who I am, and that she loves me even more because, she says she has seen my realest self
Also, I was in hysterics at a few points in the night, and she doesn’t want me to feel too embarrassed
Thanks for reading.
submitted by TheLamp00n
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2020.12.03 00:34 KILLSWITCHXC 20 [M4F] Denver, Colorado, Kissing at the red-light type of love 😊
HEY HOWS IT GOING! My names Juan, I know typical Mexican name. Anyways, so a little about me I love drawing, animals, music, some animes, food, and I love video games! I have 1 dog and 2 cats which are my rocks and im 6'3. Im text back fast and when im about one person im all about that one person so you never have to worry! I also give reassurance heavily because you can never be too reassured. Also here's me-> http://imgur.com/a/RHeK8F8
So im not searching for anything in peticular, whether you're tall, small, big, skinny or even age! I love everyone for who they are inside and yes im a hopless romantic. I do want that kissing at the red light type of love, the waking up late on Sundays and cooking breakfast type of love, the watching you doing what love and smiling back at me just to see if im watching type of love. That genuinely makes me happy just thinking about it.
Feel free to message me and I know since the whole pandemic is going on its really kinda hard to do anything in person. Don't be shy I dont bite and im sure ill make you life if not then I owe you a date 😊 anyways, have a great day thank you for reading.
P.s. Ill let you wat my fries 🍟
submitted by KILLSWITCHXC
to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]
2020.12.03 00:23 throwaway_md_yay202 I am 32 years old, make $54,000 (joint 159k), live in Maryland (DC metro) and work as an Enrollment Manager/work-at-home mom to 3.
Like so many others, I wrote a NOVEL and I’m sorry!! I love reading this community’s MDs and am so thankful for this supportive sub and for the opportunity to share. Section 1: Assets and Debt
My husband and I share all finances except for our retirement and savings accounts (we each have savings accts in our own names but realistically we share the funds within them). We have separate credit cards as well.
Section 2: Income
- Retirement Balance: My 403b - $47k, I put in 3% and my employer matched 10% (ah-mazing), but COVID put that on pause. Spouse’s 401k - $285k, he also has a generous company match.
- Equity: about $110k. We bought a house last September; it was listed for 440k, we bought for 435k, and it was appraised at 455k. We put 20% down with money from my husband’s savings + 30k in cash as a gift from his parents. We currently owe 342k on the mortgage.
- Savings account: Currently 18k. This took a hit due to some home maintenance costs and a new car purchase.
- Checking account balance: About $2500, typically between 1k-3k. We also currently have about 3k in a piggybank fund that’s technically a savings account but is linked to our checking account and has an abysmal interest rate. We use that for house/auto maintenance, dog expenses, holiday/birthday gifts, vacation, etc.
- Credit card debt: 0 down from 10k, no excuse for the credit card debt except lifestyle creep and stress spending. We floated a balance for a while and then buckled down early last year to pay it off in 5 months.
- Student loan debt: 57k down from 110k (principal was originally 90k ugh) for my BA. I refinance every 6 months or so for better interest rates. I had a lot of shame and buried my head in the sand with these for a long time and only really began aggressively attacking them in the last 4 years. I also have an M.Ed that was paid through tuition remission from my job (60%) and academic scholarships (40%). My husband has a BA but no student loans thanks to his parents.
- Car loan: 29k (we put 5k down in cash + 8k for our trade in) We made it 7 months with 3 kids and a dog in our compact SUV before we finally buckled and bought a minivan in September – it’s a plug in electric/hybrid minivan so we save a lot on gas plus will get a $7500 tax credit, which we’ll put on my loans. Plus, you know, the world is on fire and everything so we weren’t looking for a gas guzzler.
- My first jobs were babysitting and working as a camp counselor in my teens. Throughout my late teens and early 20s I mostly worked as a bartender and/or barista, as well as tutoring (I lived in France for a little bit in high school so tutoring rich kids in French was always a moneymaker), dance teacher for budding ballerinas, and a bit of writing/editing. I graduated college over the course of 4 years but took a circuitous route (didn’t love college tbh), including taking two semesters off to travel and taking a full year leave of absence to live and work in Santa Fe when I was 20. When I wasn’t enrolled in college I was responsible for my all of my expenses. When I was enrolled in college my parents paid for housing and tuition as much as they could, and I covered my personal expenses.
- After graduating I continued to bartend for about a year and then I got a job as an advisor in higher ed, because it was one of the few industries hiring during the recession. I made 40k but with no benefits besides PTO. After 2 years, I moved to university where I currently work with the same salary but far better benefits including healthcare, retirement, paid family leave and tuition remission.
- My job hasn’t changed much in the last 8 years -- salary increases were mostly inflation adjustments masked as bonuses -- but it’s ideal for me right now. I enjoy the people I work with and have a lot of flexibility (outside of meetings I mostly work when and how I want) with great benefits that allow me to contribute to retirement and stay in the workforce as a young mom. When my daughter was born 8 years ago, I went part time and then PT with 90% telework when my son was born 5 years ago. I went back to full time while teleworking 2 years ago. So I was doing the work-from-home-parent thing for a while before COVID, but uh at least with some childcare.
- I met my husband in my early 20s and we knew within a few months (excuse the mush) we were it for each other. He’s 8 years older and we were both in a place where we wanted to start a family, so I had kids about 7-10 younger than most of my social group. This could be pretty isolating at times, but overall I don’t regret it and recognize that I'm fortunate to be able to make the choices I have. We’re putting the baby (8 months old) in full time daycare next fall and I plan to begin to start my career in earnest then (I’m very interested in the intersection of education policy and law especially w/t the equity gap). My friends lovingly refer to my approach as the Nancy Pelosi method – I’ll take it.
Mine- $2,760 (paid biweekly after taxes, healthcare, 403b, savings transfer)
Spouse - $5900 (paid 2x/month after taxes, 401k and savings transfer)
Total HH - $8660 ($9260 incl. savings contributions) Section 3: Expenses
Section 4 – The rundown
- Savings - $600… more focused on student loans right now
- Mortgage - $2035, includes escrow payment that covers taxes and insurance
- Car - $550 (min payment is $450 but we pay extra to shave a year off the loan term)
- Student loans - $2000-2500 (min payment is $1045 but we’re trying to rid us of these in 3 years or less)
- Cable/internet - $120
- Phone - $210 for a 4 line family plan with my parents (we pay)
- Utilities - $320 average for water, electricity, gas, and sewage
- Hulu/Spotify/Disney+ - $22 we share with fam
- Netflix/Prime/HBO – $0 we take from fam
- Yearly Subscriptions - $19.50/month (YNAB $84, Washington Post $90, Costco $60)
- Life insurance - $75 (750k policy for my husband & 500k for me)
- Farm CSA - $70/month for weekly veggies
- Meat CSA - $65/month for 15lb meat delivery every other month
- Car insurance - $70 (monthly cost, we pay premium in full every 6 months for savings) This covers the minivan and our 2003 Corolla which is still chugging along like a champ.
- Kids Activities fund: $150/month --for sports, camps, classes, etc., padded right now due to COVID
- Piggybank funds: $600
- Donations: about $200. We donate $100 to a small charity we run that raises money for treatment scholarships for people seeking recovery from substance abuse and addiction after my brother in law died from an overdose a few years ago. We usually spend between $50-100 in other donations per month, but nothing regular.
- College funds: We aim for $2500/year funded through gift money, selling things, and minor side gig money I get from writing/editing. My in-laws started 529s for our kids when each was born with a seed of $30k. We are immensely lucky, and I’d like to shout very loudly that both my husband and me have benefitted greatly from generational wealth, as will our children. Our privilege is well noted, and we center many conversations about this with our kids.
Total: $899.81 Day 1, Wednesday: 8am --
- Food + Drink: $264.86
- Fun / Entertainment: $4.95
- Home + Health: $103
- Clothes + Beauty: $50
- Transport: 0
- Gifts: $477
The baby cooing wakes me up after a rough night of sleep. I nurse him a little and then hand him off to his almost-8-years-old sister (J.) who happily takes him to her room to cuddle and play before virtual school starts up at 9.
My husband wakes up around 7:00 to clean up the kitchen and basically take care of everything house or kid related before heading to work around 8:30, but I get breakfast for everyone and make sure the kids are (mostly) dressed. My five year old son (C.) settles on “bee cereal” i.e. Honey Nut Cheerios, and that’s good enough for the group, except for the baby who gets sweet potato puffs and a blueberry-banana breakfast bar. The big kids play video games for about 10 minutes before school starts at 9am.
C. should be in Kindergarten, but he was having meltdown after meltdown trying to stay logged into virtual school for 5-6 hours a day, so he watches the recorded zoom meetings on his own time and spends most of the day playing outside or watching tv. We try to do one academic-ish thing a day outside of listening to the zoom lessons (playing alphabet games, practicing writing, making an art project, or finding patterns). Schools in our area have been closed for in-person learning continuously since March. This morning C. turns on the Netflix du Jour, a riveting show called “Trash Truck” about - you guessed it - a trash truck, and I sit down to catch up on work e-mails while the baby crawls around investigating the bucket of toys I overturned for him. Or maybe those are the dog’s toys? Whatever, he’s entertained. 10:30am --
I finish up my work emails in between letting the dog out (and back in) and tending to the baby a bit, and then make a payment on two of our credit cards to cover spending in the last week. We use reward credit cards for everyday spending, so I make payments a couple of times a week to make sure we don’t carry a balance. I also reconcile YNAB.
$0, but a lot of money management (I didn’t include the credit card payments because I count that spending when we actually… spend it…) 11am --
Baby is down for his morning nap, C. is climbing trees outside, and J. is finishing up her homework at the end of the school day (Wednesdays are half days). I turn on Price is Right and throw a load of laundry in, straighten up a little, and then make lunch. Usually my husband makes the kids’ lunches in the morning, but C. complained of too much redundancy yesterday, so today I offered to make them a hot lunch: dino nuggets, Annie’s mac and cheese, and ants on a log. My plan is to make myself an everything bagel breakfast sandwich with prosciutto, cheese, fried egg and a side salad and sit down to work before the baby wakes up. Sounds great, right? Well just as I’m finishing the big kids lunch, our meat CSA is delivered so our dog goes bonkers and wakes the baby up. I try to nurse the baby back to sleep while responding to a work email on my phone but the big kids each interrupt twice, so he’s up for good. I haphazardly slap some cream cheese on my sad bagel and throw some olive oil and Parmesan on some greens and try to scarf down something while managing chaos. 1pm -
I give the baby lunch (puréed carrots and shredded provolone cheese). After clean up he wants to nurse for about 10 minutes. A full belly did the trick and he’s down for his nap again. 3pm -
We make some slime with a kit our neighbor gave us. My daughter complains it’s too slimy
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ We then sit down to plan her birthday party for next weekend, which will be a virtual tea party. I buy a $5 digital invitation template on Etsy to send out to family and friends and try to make it a little more fun since we can’t do a normal birthday party for her this year. When I check out, I still have in my Etsy cart a wooden train set I was planning on buying for my new baby niece for Christmas. I buy that too. Total - $54.95 4pm -
I heat up some tomato soup as a snack for the big kids and nurse the baby. We head out to run some errands — I have to drop off a birthday card in the mail and it’s the veggie csa pick up day at the farm (curbside so no contact). I swing though McDonald’s and get two ice cream cones for the big kids and a coffee for me as a treat since the farm is about an hour round trip. The baby takes a nap during the drive. Total - $4.64 5:30pm -
Home again and I switch the laundry, straighten up, nurse the baby and check in on work. 6:30pm -
I throw some personal pizzas into the toaster oven and serve them with carrot sticks and dressing for dinner for the big kids. They watch a show about a flamingo that delivers baby animals to animal parents. 7:30pm -
I nurse the baby (he loves his milk and his mama) and then head downstairs to straighten up and ask the big kids to clear their plates. My daughter does; my son plays video games. We spar; I’m tired. My husband is trying to work on leaving for work earlier in the day so he can get home earlier because honestly after 6pm I’m spent, and my patience reserve feels especially low today. My husband finally arrives a little before 8 and immediately takes over baby duty and feeds him dinner (green beans and sweet corn) while entertaining the big kids. I heat up some leftovers and scarf them down while chatting with my friends on WhatsApp. 8:30pm
- bedtime routine for all kids start. I spar with C. again over brushing his teeth. It escalates and I get pretty angry. C. is smart and spirited and strong willed and this pandemic has been so hard on him. It’s been hard on me. We sometimes take it out on each other. I put J. and the baby to sleep and then sneak into C.‘s room while my husband is reading to him to give C. a hug and apologize to him for my temper. 9:30pm -
I have a beer and some hummus and pita chips while finishing up some work. My husband eats some leftovers and we watch an old season of The Amazing Race, and then go to bed around midnight after I dream feed the baby. Daily Total: $59.59
**** Day 2, Thursday: 8:30am
- I wake up to our 45lb shepherd mix lying on top of me for a snuggle and quickly get out of bed and for some reason get dressed in real clothes. Jeans even. Amazing. My husband has just left for work, so I take the baby and get him dressed. In the living room, C. has already poured cereal and milk for him and his sister, but is also totally naked. I bring him some clothes. I give the baby some plain Cheerios, help J. log into school, and cuddle a little bit with C. while he watches a Disney Nature show before getting up to make some toast and eggs for myself. I’m planning on trying to get some work done but end up making hand turkeys with the kids instead. 11am -
I nurse the baby and put him down for a nap. I get the big kids a snack (chips and hummus), do the breakfast dishes, and give J. some encouragement in virtual learning. Then I refill my coffee and finally sit down to work. 11:30am -
Baby’s awake. So I guess half hour naps is a thing now. 12:00pm-
I’m on lunch duty again so I make some cheese quesadillas with apple slices and grapes while trying to finish a report I need to send out before my 1pm meeting. I reheat my coffee for lunch and send the kids outside to play while I nurse the baby and text with my sister after the report is out. 1pm
- I give the baby a bit of butternut squash for lunch and log in for my meeting with him in tow because he doesn’t seem sleepy yet. I have two meetings and a parent/teacher conference today so I asked (/demanded) my husband work from home this afternoon and he’s on his way now. My employer is much more flexible and accommodating than his — babies on zoom don’t phase them— but it’s almost worse this way because it means less boundaries and more stress/shuffling for me. He is pretty isolated at work (masked with his own office, no in person group meetings), so it’s kind of ridiculous he has to go to the office at all, but he doesn’t have much of a choice. 2pm
- my husband got home a half hour ago and my first meeting is done, so I nurse the baby to sleep for his nap. I grab a cliff bar and my husband and I log in to a zoom parent teacher conference with C.’s Kindergarten teacher. He hasn’t attended virtual school live in 6 weeks, but she’s not worried about it and neither are we. I straighten up a little bit and then am back in the office for my 3pm meeting. 4pm
- The big kids are having a tea party and request tea snacks so I make them s’mores and peppermint tea and then stress eat a s’more (or maybe two) myself because skipping lunch is a terrible idea when you’re constantly breastfeeding a giant baby. I send out J.’s virtual tea party invites and finish up work e-mail and then straighten up a little bit. 6:30pm
- My husband stops working and says he’ll make dinner and watch the kids so I can take a much needed shower and relax a little. He starts on the ingredients for an epic taco bar dinner with roasted corn, and I throw together a spinach salad before getting in the shower. I take a long shower and savor the silence. When I emerge I can hear the baby screaming, but (mercifully) my husband is never phased by crying children so I take my time getting into PJs and submit my answers for a daily trivia league I play in. 9:00pm
- Kids are all in bed. I clean up the house, which is a disaster zone, because I hate clutter. My husband and I then eat our tacos and salad, and I make myself a hot chocolate. I tell myself I’m going to get some work done but instead I spend two hours updating my fantasy football teams and texting with my sister. 11:30pm
- we watch the end of an episode of David Letterman's Netflix show and then the daily show. I fall asleep on the couch and then migrate to bed. Daily Total: $0
***** Day 3, Friday: 8amish
- I’m slow to get out of bed. The baby and C. are both cranky and my husband (who works at home on Fridays) and I play chicken to see who’s going to get up first to do stuff. Eventually he’s up to change the baby and then clean up the kitchen and make ice and coffee. I pull on some sweatpants and a tshirt and get breakfast for the big kids. They want a bagel and cream cheese (daughter) and a bagel with peanut butter (son), so I oblige because friyay. My daughter logs into school, and is sad I made the wrong kind of bagel for her (everything instead of cinnamon raisin, the horror). I pop the right bagel in the toaster and eat her everything bagel instead. The baby eats a few blueberry bars and shares what he can with the dog. 11am
- Baby down for his nap. I got paid last night so I budget that money in YNAB and work. 1pm
- Baby awake. I make dino nuggets and carrots for kids’ lunch and I’m starving but don’t have the energy to make anything, so I just start eating prosciutto and goldfish by the fistful. #momlunch (FYI you can buy like 1lb of prosciutto at Costco for $8). 3pm
- There is a mega kids consignment sale that happens in our metro area at a few locations several times a year. I frequently consign old kids clothes and toys at these and also buy a lot of the kids’ stuff here too (the steals on really nice quality things is amazing… plus seeing one of these sales reinforces the insane amount of things already in the world. We don’t need to make/buy more.). With COVID they started an online model for their sales which includes curbside drop off for sold items and pick up for bought items. I have to drop off my sold items this afternoon. Due to time and stress I wasn’t able to consign as much, so it’s only about 18 items. I make $52.00 (70% of the total price, sale organizers keep 30%). I pick up a latte from the neighborhood coffee shop on the way and jam out to Betty Who in the minivan. ($5.64 + tip = $7.64) 5pm
- Pandemonium when I get back. C. had a couple of rage fits, the baby was asleep but had been crying most of the time (I never set out to be an attachment parent but being born at the start of a pandemic kind of forced it on us, and the baby is really, really attached to me.) My husband looks exhausted from juggling all the kids and wrapping up a few projects from work. We know it’ll be a take out night for us. Take-out is our biggest weakness. I don’t mind cooking but I also don’t love it, so it’s something that I easily pass on if I can. I’m trying to shift to cooking dinner midday when I have more time and energy, and I do meal plan (though it’s more like meal opportunities… I grocery shop and stock the kitchen for scheduled meals at the start of every month but I often hop around the schedule). But take out is one of our few indulgences, and it calls to us far too frequently. It doesn’t help that we live in an area with phenomenal food choices. 7pm
- After straightening up and getting the big kids an easy dinner (my daughter actually wanted
spaghetti and not
take out), I run out to pick up steak fajitas and sopapillas for my husband and me; I order online and do curbside pick up. $49.65. I also run into a beer and wine store to get a 12-pack variety IPA for my husband and a 12-pack of Guinness for me. $45.76
Total: $95.41 9pm
- Home, bedtime for kids, clean up as much as I can. While my husband tucks my son in I lay out our Mexican food feast in the family room. He logs into a virtual call with a bunch of his college friends and we eat and catch up with them as we relax. My husband has opted for straight vodka instead of a beer tonight (thanks, pandemic parenting), and I savor a nice cold Guinness. The call ends around 11pm and we watch an episode or two of the Amazing Race, clean up dinner, and then slink to bed around 1am. Daily Total: $103.05
**** Day 4 - Saturday 8am -
Baby awake. The big kids take him into their rooms to play. I get up thirty minutes later when I hear the big kids banish the baby to the hallway, because he started annoying them. Poor baby. He’s smelly because he pooped overnight and the poop is now encrusted on his legs under his PJs, so it’s bath time now. Kids are fun. 10am
- I’m starving and the baby is cranky from teething so I have chips and queso for breakfast because it’s 2020 and idgaf. I make my daughter a bagel and cream cheese and give my son cheerios before making a mental note to order a grocery delivery for tomorrow because we’re out of milk. My husband pours me a coffee and we relax a little bit as I nurse the baby. I catch up with my sister via text. 12pm
- Baby is asleep and the big kids and my husband are playing video games, so I sit down to do all the things - Work! Bills! Grocery delivery! -- first I make myself a couple fajitas from last night’s leftovers.
I reconcile YNAB transactions and then pay a $25 co-pay bill from a doctor’s tele-visit last month. I’ve had mild to moderate anxiety most of my adult life, and it’s gotten particularly bad in the last few months (um obviously), so my doctor prescribed me low dose Zoloft and it’s been wonderful. Social media likes to tell parents (read: moms) about all the things they should do to raise children (“stop using negative language!” “be supportive of big feelings!”) … but I’m a working mother with three kids in a pandemic, and you know what helps me be a better parent? Medication. Because maybe the pressures of modern American parenthood are unrealistic, and we just need more help. (Descends from soapbox…)
Baby awake before I complete the grocery order. 3pm
- I’ve been nursing the baby and doing housework (there are 7 loads of laundry so help me god) before I finally get a chance to finish the grocery order while the kids are outside playing with my husband. I order milk, sprite zero, broccoli, blueberries, queso, cereal, oatmeal, tea (to send out to the virtual party guests), and chai concentrate. Plus a $3 delivery fee = $51.17 We usually do a large Costco trip once a month for staples (about $400), and then I make 2-3 grocery deliveries throughout the month like this to re-stock. 6pm
- Somehow the big kids got turned onto this game where they call me The Queen and my husband The King and they’re the maids who have to do whatever we say. I assume it’s divine intervention that they came up with this so I never tempt fate. While they play (slash clean up the house) the King makes dinner - shrimp scampi and a big broccoli, arugula and lentil salad - while I read the paper. I eat a big portion of the salad topped with just a few shrimp because I need the greens like whoa. 9pm
- Bedtime routines and the rest of the night is a bit of a blur to be honest. We watched the Great British Baking Show and had a couple beers and cuddled probably. Not sure when we went to bed. Daily Total - $76.17
**** Day 5 - Sunday 2am
- While “awake” nursing the baby I suddenly snap up and remember that the Best Buy and Game Stop Black Friday sales started at midnight. The kids currently play a retro Super Nintendo complete with games from the mid 90s (what can I say, they’re awed by my donkey Kong skills), and we finally figured they were old enough now it’s probably time to bring them into the 21st century. I snag a Nintendo Switch bundle with Mario Kart for $299 from Best Buy after waiting a few minutes (they released stock in waves to prevent an immediate sellout), which we’ll give them for Christmas. Total with tax - $317 9am
- up for real now and we’re late. We hurry out the door with a pitstop at Starbucks for coffee, peppermint hot chocolates, pumpkin bread, and bagels ($32). We’re headed up to do a curbside pickup of the stuff I bought from the consignment sale. For Christmas, we try to keep the kids gifts to one big gift (often to share, like the Nintendo Switch), one medium gift, and two small gifts per kid. I managed to finish all the kids Christmas shopping in one fell swoop at the online consignment sale (including gifts for my nephew and two nieces). We also got a bike trailer for kids for about $50 that retails new at REI for $400, plus a lot of clothes. All in I spent $196, and Christmas shopping is mostly done. 11am
- after picking up the consignment sale goods, we head to a drive thru covid testing site. I was around a larger group of people (20 or so) for a memorial last week, and I’ve been isolating to household as much as possible since then. I had a negative covid test last Monday, but both my husband and I are getting tested again today. The testing line is looooong in advance of Thanksgiving, and it takes us just under 2 hours to get through. Yikes. The kids are screaming for lunch so we zoom home and I make a quick grilled cheese and serve it with bunches of grapes. 2pm
- my brother, sister and I are chatting about a vacation at the lake (about 2 hours away) we had booked for all of us and my parents over New Years. It’s looking increasingly like that would be an irresponsible trip to take given the current covid climate, so we decide to move it to the end of April. My sister and her family live in Canada and we’re going to have to miss it anyway, so at least this way they have a chance at joining us. My brother will call the rental company and move the dates and pay the new deposit ($300). We lose the old deposit, but my card’s travel insurance should reimburse us. I make a mental note to call their claim center this week. 4pm
- We log onto zoom for a Friendsgiving get together with friends - there’s about 20 participants, many with young children - and it’s a little crazy. By the time we log off it’s too dark to take the bike ride my son was hoping for, and he has a meltdown. 6pm
– I take a shower and then start a K-pop dance party in the kitchen to try to brighten up C. who is still angry about not being able to bike. He eventually succumbs to the BTS beat. Once upon a time I was that music snob that would only go to concerts in tiny venues with obscurely known indie bands, and now I’m moonwalking to Dynamite. Life comes at you fast, friends. 7pm
- We decide on takeout again because we definitely fall into a “it’s the weekend, treat yo self” trap and decide to order Thai for lots of leftovers as a way of lessening our guilt over ordering. Our local Thai restaurant will deliver to us. We get curry puffs, yum watercress, pad Thai with shrimp, pad see ew with chicken, and massaman curry. ($74 with tip and tax) 9pm
- Kids are all in bed. I do about an hour of work and then tell myself I’m going to fold laundry or do something else productive, but we’re exhausted so we just watch an episode of the Queen’s Gambit and then go to bed around 11:30. Daily Total - $619 ouch
***** Day 6 – Monday 8:30am
- I’m going to get up early and get some work done today, I told myself last night. Spoiler: I did not do that. I emerge from bed and find my family in the kitchen — my husband finishing up chores and all the kids eating oatmeal with blueberries. I get my daughter set up with school as my husband departs. She’s out of underwear, so it looks like that seven loads of undone laundry is starting to be an issue. 10:30am
- baby down for nap. I feel very unproductive. I put a load of laundry in and sit down to work but instead somehow end up browsing political memes on Instagram instead. 12pm
- by the time the baby wakes up I have gotten a little more work done. I nurse the baby and then play a few rounds of Crazy 8s with my son. I text my husband the info for our zoom parent/teacher conference with my daughter’s teacher so he can login from work. Conference is at 12:50. I heat up leftovers to eat for lunch and get the kids lunches out (husband made them this morning). I give the baby some apple sauce and rice for lunch. 3pm
- Baby is down for another nap. I make myself a chai latte and switch the laundry before sitting down to do more work. It’s half days for my daughter this week because of Thanksgiving, and she and her brother are actually getting along well, so they spend a lot of the afternoon playing outside together. I take a 20 minute break to prep dinner, which is Ina Garten’s Turkey Hash, so it should only take about 20 minutes to throw together at dinner time. I get a good chunk of work done, possibly motivated by the announcement that we get Wednesday off. My husband texts to say his boss gave the green light to go back to full time telework after thanksgiving due to the surging covid numbers. Micro good news, macro bad news. 6pm
- I do some more laundry and ”pretend” to sleep in a fort J. and C. built before getting dinner together. I make a few eggs to throw on top of the Turkey hash and toss together a big salad as well. We all eat dinner when my husband gets home a little after 7. Baby has bananas and strawberries for dinner. 8:30pm
- Bedtime for all kids. I do a little work and we watch our old standby, the amazing race, while I have a Sprite Zero and a s’more for dessert. The baby isn’t sleeping well tonight so I spend a good chunk of time trying to get him to settle before heading to bed around midnight. Daily Total - $0
****** Day 7 – Tuesday 8:45am
- I’m up! I’m up. I help the kids all get dressed and change the baby. I make a few eggs for myself, a bagel and cream cheese for J., and oatmeal for C. The baby has cheerios and a few slices of banana. I do some housework and try to motivate myself to get some work done. 10am
- The baby broke my glasses when playing with them -- probably should have seen (ha) that coming. I hop on Zenni and they have a Black Friday sale (oh no) for 20% off $30 or more. I get two pairs of glasses for me, plus a pair of prescription aviator sunglasses for my husband to put in his stocking. Total with $5 shipping - $48 12pm
- Baby is napping and I’m trying to get some work done. The big kids eat their packed lunches and I see my husband has also made a sandwich for me, so I scarf that down over reports. I’m really sluggish again today. I make a chai but it feels like I can’t concentrate. The dog and I usually go for runs 2-3 times a week on a local trail, but since semi-isolating I’ve stayed in and I think it’s starting to really affect my overall state. It probably doesn’t help that I often catch the pup looking longingly at her running harness and then back at me, disappointment evident in her eyes. 1pm
- I set up Zoom Thanksgiving for my family. It’ll just be us with my mother and father in law, who live 20 minutes away, for Thanksgiving in person. I spend 40 minutes making a Jeopardy game to play online for my family and then immediately text everyone about how excited I am to play it. I continue to do no legitimate work. 2pm
- The baby wakes up the very minute a team meeting is supposed to start. I grab him, turn my video off (no Toobin slips here thanks) and nurse him for the first half of the meeting that goes for about an hour. Afterwards I officially say sayonara to work until next week. During my meeting the big kids have gotten into an argument over video games and it gets uglier than it should. When people ask how it’s going with the kids in quarantine, I relay it this way: imagine you’re a kid again and your sibling(s) are your only playmate or social contact for 8+ months. Even if you get along with them, that’s batshit insane. Sometimes I’m shocked they haven’t done more damage to each other. I’m feeling particularly kumbaya-like and crunchy today so after I calm them down I make us all tell each other two things we love about each other. They tell the baby the two things they love about him are his sweet personality and his fat thighs; better him than me. 4pm
- My daughter got a baking cookbook and utensils from my brother and sister in law as an early birthday present in the mail today, and she’s been hankering to make brownies all day. We make a pan and afterwards we veg out and watch tv together for a bit while playing with snapchat filters until my husband gets home. 6pm
- I throw together a mongolian beef-esque marinade and toss that with some sirloin cuts in the instant pot, steam some rice, and roast broccoli and green beans for dinner. It’s pretty good but the marinade is a little too sweet for me --- my son eats all the vegetables and none of the beef and rice. He truly is an enigma. 7pm
- My husband and the kids go outside to play some catch (in the dark, whatevs), and I work like a tasmanian devil cleaning up the house. When unencumbered by children I think I could set records for how quickly I clean up. I finish by changing out sheets on all the beds, and then take a shower. 8:30pm
- Bedtime for the kids; they’re down by 9. 9:30pm
- I indulge in one of my favorite teas - African Nectar by mighty leaf; I’ve loved mighty leaf since I worked at a coffee shop that carried their collection, but I try not to drink them too often since I find it’s pricier than your everyday tea. We watch the rest of the Queen’s Gambit. I fall asleep on the couch around 11:30, I’m told, and zombie walk to bed around midnight. I fall asleep reveling in the wonderfulness of the sensation of fresh sheets on shaven legs. Daily Total: $48 Total Spent: $899.81
********** Section 5: Reflection
This was a bit of an atypical week for me, because I bought a lot of Christmas presents, which mostly come from our piggybank fund. Gifts and food are for sure my weakness; if I could eat take out all day while shopping for other people I’d be good for life, and I think that was reflected this week a little bit. I was definitely more conscious of my gift spending this week since I had to record it all though. Throughout this year I’ve struggled to find the right balance between giving myself a little grace on spending because oh em gee does my day-to-day feel stressful sometimes, while also being mindful of overspending. Recording everything this week definitely hit home for me that sort of guilt trap I fall into with money (but also how I feel guilty about pretty much everything).
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2020.12.03 00:05 peppermint_spice Is there something wrong with me?
I was once in a relationship for a little over a year. He was a great guy and we had a lot of fun together. I ended things with him because I fell out of love with him. I broke his heart...not only that though. I started seeing someone else while I still lived in the same house as him. I tried to keep it under wraps but seriously? That shit is never truly hidden.
We both moved on and the guy I started seeing after him ended up being someone I wanted to marry one day. Until I didn't... He was everything to me for over 4 years. I loved (almost) everything about him. He was sweet, funny, original, adorable, and had the sexiest smile. I loved his laugh, his hug, his arms, and nothing about him was unattractive to me. I fell the hardest I had ever in my life. The relationship had its ups and downs as they all do. He was slightly passive aggressive too. He never wanted to go with me anywhere. I invited him to everything that I was invited to but he never wanted to go. He just wanted to stay home and play video games. Then he got a job that took him out of town for weeks at a time. He could have come home, we could have spoken on the phone, but we didn't. We didn't think it was an issue. However, for a while I had already wondered if we had an expiration date because we wanted such different things in life. He wanted to go live in the mountains. I wanted to live in a big city. Even if just for a little while. He ended up changing his mind saying he did want us to have kids. Meanwhile, I never thought I could have kids and convinced myself I didn't want them. I wanted to get engaged and married but he wanted to push it off for years to come. We were perfect on paper. Had a lot in common and had a lot of fun together. Then...I don't know what happened. I fell out of love...again...
I started seeing someone else the same as I had done previously. While I was still living with my now ex... I tried to end things several times but I kept going back like an idiot. The guy I was seeing was a great guy. Not at all a bad person but I couldn't stop and take a step back from myself to make sure this was what I truly wanted. I tried to talk myself out of leaving the ex. I tried to remind myself of how great we were together. I just couldn't talk myself out of it no matter what I did. He tried to talk me out of it. But I felt he was guilt tripping me into staying so I wouldn't "regret" it rather than talking me into staying because he loved me. Why do I do this to myself though? And why do I keep hurting guys who are so good to me? Why do I keep falling out of love and not actually trying to work things out? I just don't get it. The more I think about it the more I feel something is seriously wrong with me....
I'm really not sure if this is the best place to post this. But thought I would try. Thank you for reading.
P.S. - I am already in therapy. I feel it has helped a bit getting to know myself. But I'm still not where I want to be.
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2020.12.03 00:03 Zealousideal-Owl-786 I’m scared my boyfriend (m23) and I (f22) are disconnecting
Me and my boyfriend have been together for about seven months now. We started out as hooking up and in the beginning we would always drink and like have fun at home drunk fucking around and stuff. Fast forward a couple months later we kind of toned down the drinking and we just hang out at home still nothings really changed considering the pandemic.. we’ve only gone on like two dates which is fine even though now we’re gonna kind of due for some. We used to connect really well in the beginning always cracking up jokes and having a good time even if we were not doing anything. And the sex was always good and passionate. Lately we’ve been having a lot of issues because we keep overthinking things and in his defense I think I started the train of fights because I was being kind of extra in the beginning but I feel like we’re sabotaging ourselves. Our sex has gotten a little more awkward nowadays and he even pointed it out last night. He says it doesn’t feel like I’m really there and that we’re just watching ourselves having sex. I don’t know if it’s because we don’t do it a lot as much now or because of all the issues we’ve been having that are still under the surface. My boyfriend keeps saying things like can we only have fun if we’re drunk or how I am not affectionate enough or how he wishes I was more comfortable with him and not as insecure. I know we have a lot of potential for our relationship and I want to fix things because lately every time I see him which isn’t even a lot we end up fighting or it’s awkward and it’s not bad fighting it’s more like emotional but I just wanna fix it. How do you stop overthinking? Why is sex awkward now? He thinks he doesn’t turn me on but he does and then when we try having sex I think about all that and go dry and then he thinks it’s him and it’s this whole cycle. It’s been really harping on me because I know he loves me and I love him so much and I don’t want our relationship to fail because of miscommunication. I just want us to go back to normal. I also told him that we need to start going out more but he actually surprised me with tickets to see holiday lights which was a nice step. Another semi big thing is I struggle with an eating disorder and all that stuff is kind of new to him. I’m kind of reserved about it but he knows that I tend to be pretty insecure and you would think after like eight months I would be more comfortable... I mean I’ve definitely grown and gotten more comfortable with him but I’m still not fully there. He’s also had an abusive dad his whole childhood so I know it’s hard for him to be compassionate about things, he’s explained it to me before but I know he tries it just it’s hard for me to be there especially during sex if I don’t feel compassion even though I know he thinks I’m sexy. I’m just frustrated. It’s been like this since Halloween. I want the old loose us back and for us to stop making issues in our heads and projecting.
TLDR: basically me and my boyfriend have been fighting a lot lately and are projecting a lot of issues that aren’t even there and making sex awkward and us and causing a lot of miscommunication and I’m scared that if this keeps happening will lose each other and I know we have so much potential.
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2020.12.02 23:56 Areemc AITB for not letting my neighbor hold my baby?
My neighbor just had a big party at her house with about 20 people. My husband and I did not attend for two reasons: 1. We weren’t invited. 2. We have a newborn baby. We live with my MIL (who is very sweet and considerate) while we save for a house. Our neighbor is her best friend and my husband considers her his aunt. I discussed with my husband on rules about people coming over to see the baby. They must wear a mask, have a towel draped over clothes if they want baby on their chest, have washed hands, and have permission from me or my husband. We agreed that this might be a bit excessive, but to continue with them since we are first time parents and it’s sick season. Two weeks ago my MIL offered to babysit so my husband and I could go out for a date. We accepted and later that day we got ready to go out. I was in the bathroom for 15 minutes when I stepped out into the living room and my neighbor was sitting in a chair holding the baby. I didn’t even know she came over in that timeframe. She looked up at me and said “Uh-oh!” And laughed. My MIL said she just came over and asked to hold the baby. She washed her hands and had a mask and towel. I was uncomfortable, but didn’t outwardly show it. I thought to myself that a small conversation with my MIL about my rules later would be fine. But then I remembered that my neighbor had her party just the day before, then she started kissing the baby’s forehead (mask still on), and started playing with her pacifier while it was in her mouth. In another room, I explained to my MIL that I love our neighbor, but I am uncomfortable walking into a room and someone is holding her without my consent or knowledge, and any other time I would welcome our neighbor to visit for baby time, but she just had several people over and my baby hasn’t built an immune system yet. She apologized and walked over to our neighbor. Idk what she said but our neighbor immediately left and I haven’t seen or heard from her since and this was two weeks ago. My husband says I should have just let it slide and that I was being too overprotective. I told him that we agreed to our rules and she knew she wasn’t supposed to hold her without our consent otherwise she wouldn’t have said “uh-oh” and laughed. I feel very guilty that I may have hurt her feelings by being overprotective. I don’t know what was said to her and I wasn’t trying to upset anyone, but I am unsure if I’m really in the wrong. She knew she shouldn’t have held her without my knowledge and right after hosting a big party, but I still feel guilty.
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2020.12.02 23:44 L0nelyNight Is it okay I broke up with my fiance(25m) over things his friends have said/done?
I want to keep it as short as possible without leaving out anything important and sorry english isn't my first language.
My fiance has a 3 friends since he was a kid. I've known my fiance since I was 15.
His three friends have teased,bullied and sexually harassed me all through high school. They quit it when i started to date my fiance. My fiance recently moved in with me 2 months ago. We both lived at home with our parents but I got a good job and rented a little studio. He wanted some privacy and moved in with me which was fine. Last week my fiance left his discord logged into my laptop and I heard a message notification so I checked thinking it was my discord and I saw it was his. His friend sent him a message of some anime girl with a huge chest and he said it looked like me. Our bodies looked alike but our face didn't so I just shook my head.. I ignored it and kept folding clothes. 20 minutes later I hear another notification and it gets annoying because I wanted to watch tv. So i go to sign out of his account (He was downloading a game but went out to the store for some snacks) and I read the message on accident(I was def not trying to be nosey at all but it was the first thing I see on screen)and his friend was saying how lucky my fiance is because he has a girl who has a big tits and huge ass..
I was disappointed because his friend is the same guy who would harass mea at school and he was ballsy enough to make sexual comments to my fiance about me. Curiousity got the best of me and I kept scrolling through the chat to see what else they talk about and if my fiance talks like this about other women. I saw that his friend said he shouldn't marry me because he can dump me once my tits start to sag and get a new pussy. I was able to scroll all the way to Feb 2020 and they were talking about covid and how it was the end of the world. They were saying what they would do on their last days on this earth and his friend said he would come to my home and r*pe me. I already had tears running down my face as I was reading that last comment. My heart sank in my chest and I read my fiances reply "lol"
My fiance came back 30 minutes later and I just saw red. I started to throw all this things out into the hallway.. I broke up with him and told him what I saw and I called him a whimp. I haven't ever been this angry and its been a week since this all happened but I know my reaction wasn't the best but I was so digsuted by him. My fiance begged for me to take him back that he will drop his friends if were to take him back. He said boys are dumb and they think with their penis a lot.
I feel like i don't even know him at all. My ex fiance now had a lot of friends but out of all of them I only had an issue with those 3 friends. His bestfriend came over to pick up the rest of his stuff and he listened to me. I told him my side of the story and he was disgusted by it all. He said my fiance is a pussy for letting other guys talk like that about me. I cried my eyes out while he was there and he just held me until I fell asleep. I woke up on the couch and he wrote me a note on the coffe table saying, "Everything will be okay. I'm going to go talk to him about it and straighten him out. You deserve better though and don't do anything reckless.."
I did so much for my ex fiance. I finished college a year ago and would always help him out and take him out to eat. I even saved up money to buy him a ps5 which he left behind. I paid our rent, groceries and etc. I spoiled him with clothes and money..I did everything for him. I cleaned, cooked and worked 60 hours a week. I never pressured him into proposing to me when i was 20. We honestly didn't have any issues and never fought. I'm a very mellow person. Did he even love me..Or was it all an act.
Now his bestfriend cut him off too and is trying to see me more but I'm not ready for anything right now. I just want to focus on myself for now..
TLDR; Fiances friends make sexual comments about me before we got together but kept doing it behind my back. Fiance says its normal for guys to do that. I broke up with him but hes begging me to stay with him and said he will drop his friends.
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2020.12.02 23:29 mlo9109 Don't Meet Your Heroes, Kids!
As a millennial, I came of age during the early 00s. It was the height of purity culture, "crossover" Christian music, and quirky teen comedies. It was the time to grow up as a Christian kid.
I wasn't a big fan of the Jonas Brothers, then. Mom was because they were "role models" with the purity rings. I did become a huge fan of them as an adult when Nick Jonas married Priyanka Jonas.
When they married, my ex had just left me for an arranged marriage. As a result, I was deeply depressed. My "friends" and family's idea of support was to throw the unequally yoked Bible verse because I "got what I asked for" by dating a dude from India. Nickyanka gave me hope!
One of my favorite movies in high school was "Juno." Mom-approved because it was "pro-life." She chose to place the baby for adoption rather than abort. I thought Ellen Page was a brilliant actress, and I love how they chose a "real girl," I could relate to instead of some "Barbie." Even in other movies, she was in after. I felt like I could relate to her as a young woman and saw her as a great role model for my nieces.
Fast forward to 2020. Ellen Page is now Elliot Page. I'm not homophobic (or at least, I'm working on it). I used to be so bigoted towards the LGBTQ+ community because of my Christian upbringing. I'm ashamed of this since my cousin, and a couple of my friends recently came out.
I'm actually okay with the fact that she was married to a woman. I'm struggling with her coming out as trans and changing her (his?) name to Elliot Page. I like to think of myself as an open-minded person, but I'll always see Elliot as Ellen/Juno.
I feel like I've lost someone I looked up to as a teenager. I'm wondering if it's the adolescent admiration of Ellen/Juno or crappy Christian views I grew up with that are affecting me here. Anyone else experience this with their "heroes?" Honestly, I find it concerning because if I'm reacting this way to some actor, how would I react to a friend or family member in the same position?
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2020.12.02 23:16 mccaly How Blush and Bar builds trust for users to buy jewelry online
Hey Everyone, I recently spoke with Daniel Wesley, the owner of Blush and Bar
about the things that have worked (and things that haven't) about running an online jewelry business: how they vet manufacturers, building trust with users, UA channels, etc.
You can read the full transcript below and you can also get the audio here
Just a heads up - I'm not the owner of Blush and Bar, I just did the interview with Daniel. However if you have any follow up questions I'll obviously try and be as accurate as possible. I'll also be directing Daniel to this post. Company:
Blush and Bar Product:
Small dollar jewelry in the ‘mestige’ (mass market luxury) market Founded:
Company was acquired in 2019 Sales channels:
100% online Location:
Tampa, FL Team:
1 FTE + virtual assistants + 1 subcontractor Revenue / month:
$150k Gross margins:
65% What is Blush and Bar?
Blush and Bar is a business I acquired back in 2019. It's a small dollar jewelry business, with an average order value of about $90. What got you interested in selling jewelry through eCommerce channels?
I come from the lead generation space and wanted to have a brand for the very first time. With lead generation we are the people who facilitate the transaction or master the handoff; we would have no lifetime value component and no full funnel visibility.
So I think the macroeconomic forces of something with the ubiquity of jewelry and full funnel visibility is what led me to e-commerce Was there a specific reason you decided to purchase Blush and Bar rather than another online jewelry brand?
I was looking for a good opportunity with good momentum and obviously needed to consider the acquisition cost [if I could] run the business. I think it was a very unique name. The name Blush and Bar has a good interplay between feminine and masculine. Did you use your own cash for the purchase and how do you think about financing going forward?
This is completely bootstrapped. I've had a couple of exits so I used those proceeds to acquire Blush and Bar. Going back to 2003, I've had a business that I bootstrapped to an exit and then another business that exited with the aid of a private equity firm.
I've seen both sides and I think in the future it is possible to do another joint venture with probably more of a venture firm than private equity, but I think it is a possibility down the road. How do you think that capital would be used if you were to raise it? Inventory, R&D, testing marketing channels?
It's just myself doing this. I'd love to build out a more formal type of setting and have a few folks that are dedicated to the cause.
I think the biggest ones would be human resources and multichannel syndication. We'd love to expand more aggressively into Amazon and especially getting accepted into Walmart. We'd love to really get aggressive on multichannel syndication. My presumption with a product like jewelry is the quality of the components are important. How do you go about filtering your manufacturers and suppliers?
One of the biggest keys for me in any relationship I enter is really trying to set the right expectations from the get-go.
A new manufacturing partner has to have an understanding of what's expected of them. It's just going to be best for both parties longer term if the scope is very clear and concise. Every business organization is different and you definitely can't have a one size fits all. Do you have a process about how you evaluate new product lines with your manufacturer?
Just a month prior to the pandemic we were converting our supply chain model from drop shipping to owned inventory. So we went through the process of sending them physical samples and the manufacturer then created lookalikes, shipped those to us for inspection and then commissioning the actual production. How did you filter who'd be a good vendor for you, especially for logistics since small products like jewelry can be easily misplaced?
You know, we found a website called Sourcify
. It wasn't very easy finding sources, a supplier or the right manufacturer. We were just kinda lost until we found Sourcify. What user acquisition channels have you found to be most powerful?
This lies right in my core competency. For me, the most successful has been organic search. I think in my lifetime I’ve generated over $50 million in organic revenues, and I've always had the philosophy: ‘if you can pay for it, why don't you try to rank for it?’ I think the duality with having an organic SEO approach is in order to really generate organic traffic you have to create value. So for me it's a two for one if you have to put something together that is going to create a valuable user experience and at the same time I'm going to get an evergreen asset.
We accomplish through content, which is kind of the coined currency of the web and that concept builds trust. Obviously we know relationships are built on trust and trust is the primary driver of revenues. With organic traffic, I think the perception is that the cost sink is very expensive but one of the key takeaways is that it's only paid once and then that becomes more annuity in nature. So I’m a huge fan of organic search. What is your current UA cost?
The KPIs we focused on are repeat customer rates and really trying to understand those LTV to CAC ratios. How many people that we acquired for $90 day one, what do those folks look like at day 30, day 60 and day 90?
We've really had to focus on the deferred lifetime value aspects because those front end acquisition costs are wildly expensive. I guess around $80 or so has been the average CPA. Have you found any UA channels to be a flop?
Influencer marketing. I believe it’s just saturation. Everyone today is an influencer. The lines between ad and authenticity are blurred.
Only 1% of millennials say that a compelling advertisement would make them trust the brand more. I'd argue 1% of non-millennials would probably say the same thing. We always find a way to make lemonade out of lemons. One thing we did get out of that was perpetuity rights to the content.
We've had great success repackaging and slicing and dicing that influencer content to new Facebook ads. So not all was lost, but certainly I just thought with our product and the platforms, such as Instagram, this would be a silver bullet. It's been more of a challenge. How have you convinced people that eCommerce is a great channel of buying it rather than going into a physical store?
We just launched a new virtual try-on tool. It certainly doesn't replace the ability to try it on, but you can take any one of our rings, put them on a kind of a demo hand and at least get some kind of idea of how they would look or how they would stack.
The other thing is a risk reversal. We do stand behind our products and we offer a 60 day money back guarantee and lifetime warranty. Essentially any issue that someone would come across, it's our goal to fix it. My mind immediately went to Warby Parker's initial process of having 5 pairs of glasses to try on at home. Would that work for jewelry as well?
It's something we're looking at. We've actually had many, many conversations with a company called BlackCart and gone as far as integrating them and trying to figure out the user flow and model. There's definitely potential to increase average order value and allow consumers to get what they want by giving essentially zero up front risk. eCommerce companies live and die by their margins. What has the biggest impact on your margins and how do you try and solve for that?
Exchange rates have been a challenge. 10% of orders the consumer essentially picks the wrong size. So as part of our risk reversal, we not only offer lifetime warranty and 60 day money back guarantee, but we also offer free returns for resizing. So those costs add up and no matter what we do we’ve just had a hard time controlling that.
I would say our defect rates are within normal e-commerce jewelry type of percentages. So we've been fortunate there, but one that just feels like we could solve is the resizing. How has Covid-19 affected the business?
The clearest, most immediate impact of COVID was really just disruption to all the components of our supply chain. From sourcing, to demand planning, inventory to fulfillment. It will take us years to recover, but, I'm glad to say we are much better off today, but still nowhere near pre-pandemic. Talk me through some of the tools that you guys use to keep the business running on a daily basis Asana Airtable Google Analytics Google Docs Shopify Segments
- It was created by a former data scientist from LinkedIn who I've gotten to know really well. But I tell you having Segments, it really gives you the kind of analytical powers without the price tag. So anything from prebuilt segmentation to using it as a decision engine for your marketing, it's been very, very helpful. So how do you use Segments?
Automated customer segments. I get an idea of who's most likely to purchase and who's most likely to churn. I can see customers moving through the different buyer stages and get some really cool cohort-type of reporting--from repeat rates to average order value per unique user.
The prebuilt segmentation is the key. I can take [the date] and then with the click of a button just syndicate to Facebook and create custom audiences as well. So you're essentially using it for kind of remarketing purposes either for customers who have already purchased or people who have not yet become a customer?
I would say it's probably for someone who has become a customer to really understand where are those cliffs, right. We found that at 59 days most of our customers had churned. So we decided to try another medium, direct mail. That worked out really well to intercept that churn. Insights that were hidden came to the surface just based off of their dashboard. Finishing up, but what advice would you give other eCommerce entrepreneurs?
I have holistic ones and very specific ones. I'd say a very specific one is conversion rate optimization. As a process, CRO will yield your highest ROI, because it is nothing but efficient. Always try those marginal gains. Those 1% to 2% daily or monthly wins. However those add up and make the difference.
Aside from that, if you don't have a mess to clean up, you may not have anything at all. The two businesses I exited, it was a nightmare from an accounting perspective, commingling of personal and business. In hindsight I know how to go about that and avoid that pain. But I almost lost selling one of my businesses because it took six months to clean up my accounting, but that's okay. I think the last one would probably be, you should have a camera lens when you look at your business, not a magnifying glass, and be willing to zoom in and zoom out--really understand what's going on, and don't get too overly fixated on one thing.
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2020.12.02 23:15 Phat_Tank Individuality not required
"Great great uncle Connor tell us the story of what happened after Landing Day!” squealed Sean.
"Tell us tell us" his siblings jabbered.
"Again? I've told you that story many times." He replied, sitting in his hammock.
"But we wanna hear it again!"
"Ok if you insist." He said it with a sigh but a big grin was plastered on his face. It wasn't often that he got to see the gaggle of miscreants that he loved so dearly. Storytime was always something they wanted and was always something he enjoyed. Verbal storytelling was one of the few practices taken from the Old.
"It all started when I was a little boy a few years older than you are now. I was riding the bus to school. Not a fancy bulletbus but a slow old ground vehicle. Most of the kids were playing on their phones. Not phones like your eye lens screens but little handheld squares. That day I decided to disconnect from the internet for a while. Little did I know that I would soon be more connected than ever before. I was looking out the windows when I saw strange shapes descending from the sky. Federation diplomatic ships. Of course I didn’t know that those were what they were at the time. To me they just looked like big metal balls. I didn’t know anything was happening until we got to school and we were immediately sent home. That whole day I wondered what was going on. To this day I still don’t know how I held in my curiosity. I held true to my promise that I would be disconnected from the internet that day for anything that wasn’t schoolwork. The next morning, I looked at the news. Aliens had landed. I thought maybe it was an invasion or refugees. The majority of movies we as a species had at that time made aliens landing on earth out as one of those two things. I was shocked at how fast the ambassadors had created peaceful negotiations. They were not refugees alike I first thought. They represented the galaxy and all the species in it. They had come to bring humanity into the fold. See we as a species expected slow and potentially hazardous negotiations. The ambassadors had many lifetimes of experience assimilating new species. 2 weeks was all it took. 2 weeks to completely reorganize humanity. Even with the ambassador’s experience and long history of successful assimilation, no human thought it possible at the time. See there was 1 thing we hadn’t counted on. The Mind. We didn’t expect instant communication of our precise thoughts to be so powerful. You youngsters nowadays are lucky. You want information or to share something, you just do. Its instant. When I was young, we had to put everything into words. Words could be misinterpreted. Meanings could be lost. They often were. With mind to mind communication and the guidance of The Mind, wars stopped. What do you think it would be like to not have The Mind to ask your questions to or be there to understand you?”
“That would be so scary” How could you stand being so alone?” Sean asked.
“I’m glad you asked” Connor continued. “Back then we were used to being alone. We had family, friends, and strangers to seek togetherness in. We used to fear the idea of losing our individuality. We never knew that we could be connected to collective of quintillions of beings and still remain who we were, still be human. But we could. The Mind helped us see that. When Landing Day happened, humanity didn’t qualify as technologically or socially advanced enough to join. Rather we were inducted out of pity and responsibility. Aliens saw us killing each other in massive wars. Think back to your history lessons about what a war is.”
“You were alive when was were happening?” Tona asked, incredulous.
“Indeed I was. I was alive when humans were the most barbaric species for galaxies around. The Mind made the decision to land on Earth. That decision was controversial because it broke the law of non interaction. The Sacred Law, the one that shelters developing worlds. But the intervention did save many lives. There is as of yet, no consensus as to if human assimilation was the correct way to act. It all depends on your values.”
“Something else happened when we joined the Collective. We saw that not all humans were human. I’m not talking about the aliens living in humanity. They were numerous but they were only pretending to be human. No, I’m talking about the partially human. Back in those days, we had folklore. Stories of mythical beings. But every story has a grain of truth. Myths and superstitions were based on facts but the truth in those facts was often lost. But when the Federation brought technology far beyond human comprehension, one of the things was a folktale revealer. The vast majority of species and myths. Some of those myths were real or warped versions of the truth. In the thousands of species in the federation, only a few species ever had as much or as accurate folklore as humans. Mythical creatures walked among us. Monsters, gods, benevolent creatures, and everywhere in between were brought into the limelight. But before I go on, I should explain. At the time, I was infatuated with a girl in my class. Her name was Cara and she was a normal, shy high schooler as far as I could tell. I liked her and she like me so we started dating. Remember those movies about romance. The ones from before Landing Day? That was what we were like. We had no mind communication to express exactly what we thought and felt. But we managed. We had struggles but none so big as the Exposing. I had to seriously examine my beliefs; did I want to date someone who heralded others deaths? I was strongly considering breaking up until we both joined the Collective. I saw that she really was just like me and being a banshee was just a job. She helped others prepare for death and start coming to terms or just say goodbyes while they still could. For her part, she was concerned about being with someone who knew her secret. It was a while before we figured everything out but we did. And speak of the Being, hi Cara.”
Cara walked into the room and sat down with Connor, putting one of her arms over his shoulder. He nodded and she spoke. “Want to hear what happed next?”
Authors note: The Mind is the collective conscious of all the species of the Intergalactic Federation, containing all of known information and culture of all beings. It acts as a separate entity but is based on the minds of sentient beings.
If you have suggestions or criticisms, feel free to comment. I’m a native English speaker. Also if you want to take the idea of folktale and mythology meeting aliens as a writing prompt, feel free to. If you want to spin off this story and or continue it, feel free to. Also sorry about not having a flair but I'm not sure if this is long or short.
submitted by Phat_Tank
to humansarespaceorcs [link] [comments]
2020.12.02 22:59 littkitty My (F27) bf (M30) lied to me again. We have been 9 years together.
TLDR: My bf of 9 years keep on breaking my trust. At the beginning of our relationship, we had some issue because of his ex gf and I forgave him. Recently, I discovered he lied to me again. I feel I can’t trust him anymore.
In the first year of our relationship, I saw that he kept all the gift he received from his (2) ex-gf. He had two ex gf before me. It didn’t bother me that much because I understand that he has a past and I respect that. Let’s say that I’m not the kind of girl that get jealous easily. He told me that he was still friend with one of his ex (she moved back to another country not long after they broke up). I wasn’t friend with any of my ex, but I didn’t mind that he was still with his. I know they were sending each other a lot of text via an app that me and my bf also use. After dating for 6 months, I thought at some point they would stop talking to each other so frequently. My bf told me she meant nothing for him and she was just a friend. He told me that friendship was really important to him and I understand that.
What start bugging me was that him and his ex would also do phone call. Since they were in very different time zone, they would schedule calls at unusual time. He would have to call her around midnight so it would be noon for her and vice versa.After couple of months together, he asked me if I mind that he still kept contact with his ex. He told me that his ex-gf asked him that question and she hopes I don’t mind. I told him that it did make me feel uncomfortable that they would call and talk to each other that often. He understood and told me he would talk to her less often. Not long after, I notice that him and his ex are no longer Facebook friends anymore. He told me that his ex, She decided to delete him from her friend list, since I told him it did make me feel uncomfortable that they are still friends. She deletes him on Facebook but they would still talk on the other app. I didn’t understand at this point, why delete him from Facebook and still contact him? I told my bf that I didn’t want them to contact each other anymore because it feel very odd to me that his ex gf is reacting this way. He told me that he understood how I felt and reassure me by saying she is only a friend. He said that he didn’t want to break a friendship for a relationship, but he understand my point of view and told me he would stop contacting her.
Couple months later, I discover that he deleted all the message they had been sending each other after he promise me he would cut tie with her. I also saw that she sent him all the picture of them when they were together. After I confronted my bf, he told me that he didn’t want to lie to me and that it was hard to cut a friend out of his live. That she didn’t mean nothing to him, she was just a friend. He told me that his ex send him the picture because she was gonna delete them. For me, all those explanations didn’t make sens. Why would an ex gf send you picture of your past together if she just wants to be friend. Is this a normal way to interact with someone who has a gf ? Why would she keep on contacting you, even after she knows that it’s affecting your present relationship. Why delete him on social media if you won’t stop talking on another app? After getting caught, my bf told me he would stop talking to her for real this time. He deleted the app. It did hurt my feeling that he would delete the app for her because we were using this app to chat and call each other also. After that, It took some time but I forgave him.
Last year, we saw his ex-gf (first love, not the same ex from the beginning of the story) at an event. I’ve never met her but recognized her right away because of the picture my bf kept of them. To put you in context,I know that my bf and his first love broke up because of the second ex. So they didn’t break up in the best term .After the event, my bf cried in the car because he was really tired and I didn’t think much about it. In my mind, it was not related to his first love. We have been partying for 3 days without much sleep and he was exhausted mentally. I kinda felt it was my fault that I push him to his limit by asking him to go party another day when he was exhausted. I told him I was sorry that I push him to his limit. I didn’t wanna bring the topic of his ex and told myself i would wait for him to come up to me and tell me that he saw his ex since it’s not a big deal. Two week after and I was still waiting for him to say something about seeing her, but still nothing. So I decided to bring the topic up and told him that I know he saw his ex gf at the event and that I didn’t wanna think that he cried because of her....But that I was starting to feel this way because he didnt talk about it with me and we live together.He looked surprise and embarrassed at himself after i told him that. He told me that he wanted to be the one to mention that he saw her before i have to ask him and he was embarrassed for that. I think he was surprise because he thought I would not recognize her since we never met. He reassured me by telling me that the reason he cried was not because of her. That he was really exhausted that day and he should be the one telling me that he saw her before I had to mention it. I believe him and didn’t think about this anymore.
Last January, I discovered he was still stalking his ex gf (the one we saw at the event) on Facebook. I didn’t understand why he would still do that after being 8 years in a relationship with me. I was telling myself it was out of curiosity thats why he did that. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he didn’t remember searching her up and that I should not look at his internet history because it’s his privacy. After telling him, I can’t trust him anymore if he keeps on lying and giving me excuses. He then confessed that he searched her up couple time a year, but it was only a habit( he was curious and wanted to compare his life to hers. He said something like that) He told me he would stop searching for her on Facebook.
This November, I discovered by accident that he searched for her again on Facebook. When I clicked on her page, I saw the only post my bf could see was an old post of her saying she loves him. When I went on her page before on January, I couldn’t see this post. I don’t wanna feel insecure about it all, but this open all my old wounds. When I confronted him about it, he told me that he was on autopilot that day and that he didn’t search for her. He just landed on her page because facebook sent him a notification for really old friend request. He saw that the sister of his ex was still in the list and clicked on her profile. He didn’t think and he landed on his ex profile after. My trust in him is completely broken and I can’t understand why he would hurt me like this over and over again.
I don’t know if I can be strong anymore. 2020 have been the worst year of my life. I feel stuck and lonely. My self-esteem is so low and I’m clinically depressed.I’m having a hard time keeping everything together and what have been happening in my relationship hasn’t help much.
I’m sorry this is a very long post, i just need some advice from anyone who’s been thought something similar ? How did you move on from it and stop yourself worrying/start to trust your partner again ?
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to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2020.12.02 22:58 Itsyaboifam Was helping my friend through pit of heresy last week, and had to explain why the new sick loot he got, was basically useless... He had some interesting things to say after the fact
Gonna start by giving some context to the type of player this friend of mine is... He is a WoW player that decided not to return to the game after the last expansion (BFA not shadowlands). I told him to start playing Destiny, and now, 2 weeks in we played pit of heresy, his first dungeon for the first time...
He droped the HC which he apperently didnt have, and he actually loved the feel of it...
Being the dickhead that I am I told him that weapon was cool and all, but it wasnt viable to be used in the endgame, neither Europa (the next location we would be going to)
After a long Y3 story of what sunsetting was and some reads of the Directors posts this is what he had to say....
Before we start I just wanna say that I have been making posts on Sunsetting for a long time and what he suggested actually had me kinda speachless: "Oh... so it works like every other game? This is weird, this games feels too unique to follow the system of other MMOs "
I asked him to elaborate, what did he mean by unique?
He told me the game isnt as content packed as many MMOs, but the atmosphere of the game, sound design, visuals, UI, story, was increadible and top notch and it was a shame leaving so much content in the game to feel locked...
At this point this seemed like a very standard reaction to the system, but then I asked him what he thought should be done, this was his answer:
"It may be hard to implement but, maybe these expansion weapons should last 2 Years instead of only one, and once they are sunset, if their content is still in the game "
(he knows about the DCV) "just make them refresh the perks with the new perks added for the last two years
, seems refreshing enough to me, and wont affect the uniqueness of the new stuff"
When He sent me this message (we were texting in our D2 group), I actually smiled thinking how good of an idea this was...
With this system dreaming city weapons would be sunsetting this season, but then would recieve new versions with the new powercap and have new perks from Y2 and Y3 added to them... this seems kinda nice
He also added that after seeing some of the raid and adept weapons/mods from the new raid he thinks that those should 100% be sunset after 2 Years and not reissued, since they felt like very powerfull weapons...
He also pointed out armor could work in favor of a system like this.
This is something we came up with... All armor pieces available to drop should work the in a seasonal refreshing rate, lasting one year and having newer drops follow the current season power caps, untill that contet cycles out of the game.
This would make the dreambane armor set and the dreaming city armor set drop TODAY with the season of hunt marker, basically meaning all God rolled Armor U drop WILL Last U a whole Year, instead of Now, where U can drop a god-rolled armor sunsetting in 2 seasons or less
- Lasts for an year
- Any armor when dropped has the season symbol and sunsetting date of the current season, not the season it was introduced
- Seasonal weapons sunsett after an year
- Expansion weapons sunset after 2 Year
- When sunset the expansion weapons are reissued with the new perks from the past 2 years
This 2 week old Destiny player suggested an updated sunsetting system which circles around Bad RNG armor drops allowing them to last for the longest possible when they drop for U, and allowing for expansion loot to not feel useless, and after some time even have some new perks
Tell me What U think! It seems like a very nice idea Tbh and solves some of the big problems RN!
TY for reading
submitted by Itsyaboifam
to DestinyTheGame [link] [comments]
2020.12.02 22:54 MasterZalm I'm still not sure about this game.
I posted once before over a year ago about this game in this sub. I was subsequently downvoted, harassed, had multiple spiteful messages, and attacked in the comments of other posts, even older ones. With that being said, after seeing that the game was officially set for next week, I was wondering about the game once again. Originally, I posted about the game prior to it even having a firm release date, very likely back in 2018, or earlier. But now, I feel it might be a good time to ask.
Cyberpunk genre is one of my favorite genres. But aside from Deus Ex, I've not seen a good cyberpunk game. And even then, deus ex had many of its own issues. Like too much wrapped up in the whole transhumanism drama. But as much as I love the genre, and seeing a new game have so much hype, I'm dissatisfied with who is making it. I generally do not like CDPR games. I was ok with the first witcher, but 2 infuriated me to no end, and I couldn't even get past the first major boss, some river monster.
Thus, my hatred boiled deep to not wanting to play their games anymore. And so I never played Witcher 3. I can't deny it was a successful game. But since I never played it, I can't comment on it.
Either way, as far as I can tell, both 1 & 2 were failures. 1 was mediocre at its best, and 2 was a dumpster fire to me. So despite the success of 3, CDPR has a success rate of 33% in my eyes. And I'm not sure I want to get into a game from a company that has already let me down twice.
So I come to this sub in order to ask whether I should:
- Consider supporting the game myself and purchasing it.
- Wait it out and buy it used or reduced.
- Just watch a few streamers play it(gods know every big streamer will be playing it to death) and/or skip it myself
submitted by MasterZalm
to cyberpunkgame [link] [comments]
2020.12.02 22:47 Not_The_Droid_4U My [34F] boyfriend [39M] talks a lot about his exes, and I worry it's getting in the way of our relationship. How can I talk about this without him shutting down? Or is it time to give up?
Some background: My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. We met on a dating app and agreed to be exclusive about 3 months in. I told him I love him almost a year ago, which he has still not reciprocated, and I have been trying to be patient with that since he’s dealt with depression and stressful life events during this time. Both of us have a divorce and several years of dating behind us. He’s one of the most attentive, affectionate, considerate, intelligent, and responsible men I’ve ever dated, and we are a great match in terms of our shared energy, lifestyle, and outlook on the world. I’ve decided this works for me for now, but there’s also something that just feels...off. I'm starting to suspect it has something to do with his preoccupation with exes, or somewhat related to that, diminishing self esteem--e.g. "I used to be young and slick and get all the chicks, but now I'm getting old and I'm not where I want to be in life."
Now onto the full story. The little splinter that’s dug into my mind here is how much he talks about exes and how he interacts with them on social media. He seems to think about them often, has told me he misses certain ones by name, and mentioned he's reached out to others to catch up. I don’t ask, but he’s volunteered LOTS of personal details about ex girlfriends...much more than I want to know, often out of nowhere, even after telling him this makes me uncomfortable. I know who was "crazy" but good in bed, who had abortions while they were together, who had closet full of luxury clothes, who had an ugly tattoo on her ass, etc. Interestingly, he doesn't talk like this about his ex wife (divorced 6 years ago), who he speaks with frequently in co-parenting their children--no issues there.
He defends talking about his exes as valid since they have been important parts of his life and "memories are all I have." While everyone has a past and talking about that is understandable up to a point, I think it also can be a sign that you haven't moved on. My personal preference is to be discrete on intimate details because crossing that line can upset your partner and unfairly leave a little of your baggage in their heads.
Here are a couple of examples of where he's crossed that line for me. On a night I took us out to a fancy dinner to celebrate my promotion, he started a story about getting harshly dumped by an ex, but mostly went on about how she did some modeling, her career and an award she won, and what an “accomplished and amazing woman" she was. Another time, he brought up his relationship with his most-often-mentioned ex (let's call her Amy) from years ago and talked about what a “passionate romance” they had while we were out for our 1-year anniversary...then turned me down for sex later that night. I once asked how much he tells his mom about his personal life, and he said, "she has never cared, not even when I was with Amy." So obviously he's reminiscing about women he's loved in front of the woman he has now and doesn't love. I came away from all of these conversations feeling sad he was probably still hung up on these women somehow.
After a few more episodes of that, I started being more vocal about how his comments were inappropriate and even upsetting for me. He insisted I was “making something out of nothing” and it doesn't matter because he's with me now, but eventually agreed to watch how much he talks about that kind of stuff.
By then, I had started to wonder if this was more than just rude, and whether he might be acting on something with these exes that are on his mind so much. Why does he think so often about years-old relationships and feel a need for contact, validation, or whatever else from them? Since Facebook is a creepshow, it also has recommended several of his exes as potential friends, and I noticed he has “liked” basically all their profile photos during our relationship. (In contrast, he hardly interacts with my photos or posts that much, although I'm generally more attractive than most of his exes.) Both of us scroll through social media regularly but don’t post often, and it’s not clear he has a girlfriend if you look at his socials, which also has started to bother me. There’s also an Instagram account he keeps private, and I have seen him looking at it on occasion, but he doesn’t follow me there. I’ve caught men lying and cheating via social media before, and I so it’s hard not to wonder if there’s a real concern here. I admit I am tempted to snoop on his devices to see for sure if something is going on, which I understand is a bad sign in itself.
Sex is another set of tea leaves to look at. Our relationship started with a strong and satisfying sexual connection, but this quickly dropped off into more sporadic, vanilla, and usually unsatisfying (for me) encounters, which has been an issue off/on for the past year. I mostly chalked it up to getting comfortable with the relationship, plus the waves of stress and depression I've mentioned. But being a fit and eager partner myself, it’s something else that’s made me wonder...what’s the problem here? Is something or someone getting in the way?
I've been wary of anything else suspicious, but I don’t see any of the classic cheater red flags. He’s not unreachable or unaccounted for when off work, he keeps a pretty regular schedule, there hasn't been a big change in how he treats me, there haven’t been any trips away without me, and he’s not protective of his phone and computer screens. I’ve met his friends, coworkers, and children (although I'd say he was pretty slow to introduce me to them). We spend several days and nights together per week, he says he misses me when I'm not there, and he recently suggested we should move in together. I am ambivalent about this last part because I need to know we're on the same page about our feelings for each other first.
In some sad twisted way, the rational part of me appreciates the honesty of not saying “I love you” if he doesn’t feel it. Being in the moment with him, it’s honestly easy to forget about. But sometimes I worry he doesn't want to be with me so much as he just doesn't want to be alone. I’ve been open with the fact that the unequal feelings can be frustrating and sad for me, and it is something I eventually need from a relationship. Last time I expressed this a few months ago, he said he doesn't know what's wrong with him, but to please give him more time. He assured me he cares deeply about me, that I'm his best friend, and he’s not physically or emotionally involved with anyone else. So I'm really torn trying to figure out if his preoccupation with exes is a sign of a fatal flaw in this relationship, or if he's just kinda rude but actually committed to seeing where things go with me, albeit slowly.
The ask: So, help me get out of my own head and look at this. Are there legit reasons here for me to be mistrustful that something shady is going on, or is this just me spiraling out on my own fear that he doesn’t value the relationship as much as I do? Advice on specific approaches or wording to start a conversation about it would be helpful--I try to use "I feel" statements rather than assigning blame, but I worry this is a sensitive subject we've been dancing around for awhile, and he'll just shut down and get defensive. If you think this is just a lost cause for me, I could use some help getting psyched up for that conversation, too. :-/
Tl;dr: I (34 F) have been with my boyfriend (39 M) for almost 2 years now. He talks about exes often and in ways that make me uncomfortable, says he misses them, and interacts with some of them on social media. Am I being overly sensitive, or is this worth a talk about the state of our relationship? How can I approach a conversation about this without making him blow up ("I told you it's nothing!") or shut down?
submitted by Not_The_Droid_4U
to relationships [link] [comments]
2020.12.02 22:43 PeakBeyondTheVeil Manifestation, realities dream-like nature, God and atheism, book list - a stoned rant
Okay, so I've been thinking lots recently and a lot has happened, I would like to share with you. Lately I've been immersed in the world of manifestation and that kind of thing. I had serious lyme disease recently, caught it in May. Got desperate to heal as it was absolute hell, ended up finding Joe Dispenza, a teacher of the law of attraction/mind over matter. His youtube channel has over 500 testimonials of people claiming to have created an amazing new future through his methods, others have healed from things which there are no known cures for. Some did both. 3 of these were testimonials of people who had lyme, these caught my attention.
I bought his book Becoming Supernatural and found his meditations that wen't with it. After a week or so of doing them most symptoms were gone, which had been tormenting me for months. Now it's probably like 6 weeks since first doing them. Two weeks ago I had 200 euro, now I have about 6k. (no job)
Guys I just can't believe this works! You know how with dreaming you are in this world that is different to you, you are just a passive observer in this sandbox, just a victim which cause and effect happens to. Then you become lucid and you realise 'oh, it's just a dream!'
and then you can influence it and make it your home, make what you want of it. You realise the dream was just reflecting to you your state of mind, your dominant attitude.
The implications from all I've learnt recently has me feeling great. The world needs to all realise this and put it into practice. I have been actively playing the role of the psychonaut for like 2 years now, I have experienced so much and learnt so many lessons but I can't believe it took me until now to realise this was true. This is the key. This is the missing ingredient that so many need. This is what turns who you want to be, who you know you could be, into you!
And turning who you could be into you, also in parallel turns what could be into being. This has rippling effects into those around us, it causes feedback loops first hand. You can become a source of healing and energy, a catalyst for blossoming rather than withering.
It's such a simple concept but it changes everything. If you want to be something, or you want to create/attract something. Don't associate as the version of yourself who wants it, associate with the version of yourself who already has it. Obviously the analytical mind has uses to, it's a handy tool, but so much have completely forgotten how to use the subconscious to get to work. It is so much more intelligent than the ego, in a way we can even comprehend and which seems to implicate that it operates outside the typical walls most believe we are surrounded by. Thought Joe does a good job attempting to explain logically how the law of attraction works based on quantum mechanics.
To switch convo for a moment, this has me thinking about humans relationship to the idea of god. See I have come to understand that we are indeed created in the image of God, as it says in the bible, we are fragments of God, of one source. Literally everyone of us are the same thing if you go back, light a projector light shining outwards a big picture, or to get more specific, as the CIA have said in declassified files, consciousness is built in a similar way to a hologram in that every pixel of a hologram contains the data of the whole picture. Your node of consciousness contains the date for every other node. We are source, we are co-creating everything.
We are God on a journey from birth back to himself, consciousness is a god growing and developing. I had a negative view of atheism but now I see it may potentially be a tool. It may be us coming back into relationship or oneness with source. We can't ever reach our full potential and release the animals limitations if we keep associating the divine as something different from us, viewing god as an external source or being rather than simply everything. According to the law of attraction and how it works, for us to elevate in consciousness we must shed the separation we feel from nature/god/source. To understand you are god then surely the path there would involve not believing in it any more. We are removing our attention from it so it can operate through us more purely. This is so difficult to articulate... wait, so - imagine you are waking up from a dream where you were spending time with someone or something, at first you will awaken and think 'oh, that was just a dream so that other entity wasn't real' (
that it didn't really exist..but then you realise it wasn't that it didn't exist, its just, it was you! ---> I feel we are in the 'oh, that wasnt real'
stage collectively, atheism is the tunnel to realising that god is real, it's just it was us the whole time, the seperation was illusion which took our power from us. But now that we are waking up, we will be more at the wheel now :)
Hope all if doing well out there!
If you feel stuck and you can see your potential but are stuck in self-limiting cycles, please read these books:
PS: plus just read books in general man, we get more dopamine from phones/videogames/computers but they are nothing compared to a fiction book or comic that clicks with you, them forms of recreation hold so much more substance and fuel for growth and aid the unfoldment of your character, you learn about yourself by reading.
- The Master Key System - Charles F. Haanel
- The Master Key - L. W. De Laurence
- Neville Goddards books
- Think and Grow rich - Napoleon Hill
- The strangest secret - Earl Nightingale (good audio recording of it on YouTube by himself)
- Becoming Supernatural - Joe Dispenza (meditations for that book) https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1XPKMf6pUtwNPKEAbqHIbsHcRQPM71AD0?usp=sharing
- The Kyballion
- + Bob Proctors YouTube videos
Much love <3
submitted by PeakBeyondTheVeil
to Psychonaut [link] [comments]
2020.12.02 22:42 knk0609 Birth story: a total mess of an induction (with a happy ending!)
We had our little boy 3 weeks ago! He's a gem and we couldn't be happier. It still barely feels real! The following is a summary of pregnancy, a truly idiotic work situation that led to me demanding an elective induction, and the actual induction which was a mess for completely unforeseen reasons. Most of you here probably know that I'm a neonatologist and my husband is an anesthesiologist, which has GREATLY affected how we processed infertility and how we made decisions about treatment, and how I have processed this birth experience overall. Part of my job is attending c-sections and dealing with emergencies, and the last bit is about how I processed my very unwanted but necessary c-section as both patient and provider, physical pain, bonding, and breastfeeding. I hope that perspective ends up being helpful to someone.
Pregnancy and deciding on an induction: I was lucky to have a moooostly uncomplicated pregnancy. I stayed on Metformin for the whole thing. Failed my one hour GDM screen by one point, comfortably passed the 3 hour. Literally nothing happened the first two trimesters. I did not have morning sickness and except for some fairly mild round ligament pain, really did not feel pregnant at all until about 36 weeks along, when I started to get a little more sore. The only problem was that I just wasn't gaining weight. At all. At first, no one cared about this because the baby seemed to be measuring right around average. Because of Covid, I didn't see my OB at all between 15 and 26 weeks, and the anatomy scan with MFM looked fine. Initially, they told me that I would get a growth scan at 28 weeks. At my 26 week appointment, I said that I had not gained any weight in over a month, and was getting nervous about that and would feel much better if I could get a growth scan right then. They agreed, and it looked ok. We coasted to 30 weeks, when they decided to repeat because I still just barely looked pregnant, and my kid had completely fallen off the growth curve and was maybe IUGR. That bought me weekly NSTs (the most frustrating experience ever, my kid would throw a party all day and then decide to take a nap right when I got to my appt, but luckily I never got sent to the hospital) and a couple extra growth scans. His growth was erratic. By the end of the pregnancy he had inexplicably made it back to 20-30th percentile, the induction plan wasn't technically medically necessary anymore, and I had just barely gained 13 lb. If he hadn't, I would likely have had a 38 week induction. I REALLY did not want a 38 week induction...
On the 39 week induction plan: ....but I actually really wanted a close to due date late 39 week induction. My work situation was idiotic. (For the record, hospital administrators do not give a single crap about their physicians, and we have some of the worst maternity leave policies that exist. There were certain things I could push for as a newly appointed attending vs when I was in training, but there's a reason we didn't try to have a baby while I was a resident or fellow, when I would have been lucky to get 4-6 weeks off before going right back to 24 hour calls and 60-80 hour work weeks.) My higher ups are extremely nice, but also older 60+ year old men who don't actually understand how archaic and outdated the department structure is. (And one of them is married to a physician who was back at work 3 weeks after a c section 30 years ago, and it was "fine" so he doesn't understand why anyone would need more leave than that). I did not qualify for any maternity leave benefits even though I'm on a multi year contract because I had just started working there. I could get 6 weeks of almost unpaid STD and they initially told me that I couldn't use my own sick/vacation days until 6 months of employment. While I was willing to take unpaid weeks if needed, there was a wee bit of pressure from my department to be willing to come back at 6 weeks (or sooner!) because we were already short staffed and they couldn't hire per diem people because of Covid restrictions. I was a) absolutely unwilling to take less than 8 weeks and b) unwilling to waste maternity leave weeks on being pregnant, because their completely idiotic payroll policies (possibly illegal, but that's a different story) meant that I had to name a start date to leave that had nothing to do with when I deliver. My ideal situation to make the best of this BS was to work until 39+2, and have an induction the following Monday, at 39+5 if I hadn't already gone into labor. I had to raise a bit of a stink and say that I was talking to a contract lawyer, but they eventually backed off when they realize they couldn't push me around and begrudgingly let me use 2 weeks of PTO to hit 8 weeks off. When I relayed this whole story to my OB, she thought the situation was so entirely ridiculous that she agreed to the elective induction even though the practice in general doesn't really like to do them, and the final verdict was that my kid was medically fine.
Induction: I was able to get a Sunday night induction date at 39+4, which was perfect. I worked up until Friday and we just chilled for the weekend. Everyone, from coworkers to strangers to my mother, were commenting on how small I was (was I REALLY sure my baby was ok?! etc. Ugh.) and what belly I had hadn't dropped yet, and that actually truly did seem odd for a first pregnancy. I hadn't lost my mucous plug either, wasn't really having any BH contractions, and was 99% sure heading into it that my cervix was not at all dilated. We checked in, and I got my first dose of Cytotec at 12:20AM. I was not dilated. They told me to be ready for about 3 doses of Cytotec, a cervical balloon, and pitocin, and that this would probably take a day or two since my cervix wasn't super favorable. The usual! Around 2am, an L&D room opened and they let me move out of the triage rooms, which was probably just a professional courtesy since it was so early on, but ended up being a VERY good thing.
At 2:45, I really had to pee. The nurse came in to help me move and I asked if they were going to do a cervical check soon and the next dose of Cytotec. She looked at the monitor and gave me a weird look and said yeah... but you're actually contracting so much that they may not be able to give it to you. At that point, I could feel a couple cramps here and there if I really thought about it, but it was incredibly mild. I also thought this was a little odd, but ok. I got back into bed. Half an hour later, I woke my husband up, saying *something* is happening, and started getting a little shifty in bed. I genuinely have quite a high pain tolerance. Itook one dose of Vicodin and one Motrin after I got my wisdom teeth out and was cooking a multi course birthday dinner for my Mom and eating normally in 2 days, and took a couple Percocet and 0 days off and was medivaccing babies for hours in a helicopter 3 days into a Cytotec induced miscarriage. While I did want to get an epidural eventually to avoid a scenario where I would need general anesthesia in an emergency, I wanted to try to put it off for a while to also avoid being bed bound before I really had to be. Around then, a couple residents came in for a cervical check and to decide what to do about the Cytotec. Oh, the look on their faces when they realized I was already 4cm dilated. Highly unusual, they said! Uh, ok, let's just not do anything and see how this progresses.
Ha. Ha Ha. Half an hour later, I, the one with a history of a very high pain tolerance, was on all fours on the bed having contractions that were overlapping and not even giving me a chance to catch my breath in between, with my husband applying counter pressure. This was a WEIRD feeling though. It was not at all like the very obvious uterine contraction type pain I felt when I took Cytotec to have my previous miscarriage - this was more of a really bizarre abdominal clenching sensation that completely knocked the wind out of me and made it impossible to breathe and was nearly intolerable, but at the same time, "pain" isn't the right word for it. I still can't explain that, but in retrospect, I think this had something to do with unbelievably quickly I was progressing, and that if things had gone more normally and gradually, my body could have acclimated better and I might have been able to handle it and figure out how to breathe through it.
Now, I had a couple very confused residents in my room trying to figure out what the hell was happening. By about 4am, I think, I was 7cm dilated, barely 3.5 hours after a single dose of Cytotec to an unfavorable cervix. This was when I realized I had to get that epidural right now if I was ever going to get it. Of course, I had heard the overhead pages for a couple emergency c-sections go off in the past hour, and it seemed unclear if anesthesia was even available. They were having trouble keeping the baby on the monitor, probably because of how much I was shifting trying to get comfortable, but it seemed like there were some mild decels starting. Ok, fine, whatever, that happens, usually it's not that big a deal, but it just means someone from the NICU will be at delivery. Anesthesia actually came in relatively quickly and started trying to explain to me what an epidural is. I had absolutely had it at that point - "we're both doctors! I'm NICU, he's anesthesia! I KNOW HOW THIS WORKS JUST PUT IT IN," I yelled, mid horrendous never-ending contraction that I was really trying to stay still during while my husband held me. (Not my proudest moment.) The poor guy actually did a really nice job, according to my husband, who was like.... um, yeah, sorry but please just put it in, she really has no significant medical history for you to know about, I promise. Lol. I was finally able to relax a little after that, though I was still feeling some weirdness in my thighs during contractions, but at least I could breathe. At some random point here, my water broke, but no one really knows when. It was chaos. Right after the epidural, they checked again, and I was fully dilated, and most definitely having real decelerations, but they weren't all that bad, and the baby's heart rate would recover well in between. He was still high up though, and the goal was to just have me labor down for a little bit and get him out asap.
By 5am, the decels were getting worse. Now I had a couple nurses, a couple residents, and a couple attendings in my room, all very concerned and flipping me around in bed like a sausage trying to get the decels to stop. Now I had an IUPC. It was way too late for an amnioinfusion. They told me that normally they wouldn't have me push yet because the baby was high, but to try to push a bit to get him to descend, and then maybe they could get him out as quickly as possible with a vacuum. I pushed, he came down a little bit. They could see the top of his head, but he was still too high for a vacuum. My husband keeps mentioning that the main OB felt so bad for me, that you could just see it on her face, but that she finally had to bring up the prospect of a c section as the decels got worse. I vaguely heard them say something about giving me some terbutaline (I still had only gotten the one dose of cytotec!) to slow things down a bit, but I have no idea if I got actually got it or not. Finally, they said, let's just move you to an OR, and have you push there for a bit just in case.
So we did that. The decels weren't great, but they weren't horrible, for a little bit, and I pushed for about half an hour. I was having absolutely insane epidural shakes, practically vibrating. And then the decels got bad enough that he was going down to the 60s, and the writing was on the wall. I REALLY did not want this c-section for a first child when we're not done trying to have more, but it is also literally my job to recognize that this wasn't going anywhere good. My poor husband had been on the sidelines, trying to just give counter pressure and try to make me comfortable, and not interfere or play doctor-dad or doctor-husband, but he had one eyeball on the fetal heartrate monitor the whole time and I could see the relief on his face when I finally turned to him and said, I think we need to do this. YES, he said, the baby needs to get out now, that tracing really looks awful.
On c-sections: Lord, the prep was terrible. I was still shaking so hard post epidural. There was still no explanation for why any of this was happening. Nothing made sense. I really did not want this surgery. My husband just kept saying this is the right thing to do, we both know this is the right thing to do to keep me calm. There was this one localized spot where the epidural wasn't totally effective, so I had to get extra meds that made me REALLY drowsy. And then I suddenly realized I was half naked on the bed and the NICU attending who came in for the delivery was one of the people who trained me and always seems to be around for the most ridiculous situations, so THAT was great. She has gone through some serious RPL hell and a peri-viable loss herself, though, and was so sweet and came over to say hi and reassure me a bit. And then the baby was out, and just as suddenly, the epidural shakes completely stopped, which truly makes no sense, since the baby being in has nothing to do with the shakes. Apparently, his cord was wrapped around his leg - which likely explains the decels, the emergent c-section, and why he just wasn't dropping or descending before or during labor. This likely would have happened induction or not. I was so woozy I'm still not totally sure exactly what happened, and I actually have no desire to find out (trying so hard not to play doctor-mom!) but I think he probably needed a little stimulation and extra suction or something, but nothing too major, and then they brought him over. And I had my baby! I was barely awake or coherent, but I was able to hold him for a minute and then my husband got him, and next thing I knew, I was in the PACU. I was still barely awake, but managed to get him to latch for a solid half hour, and did some skin to skin. I definitely was not fully aware of my surroundings and was 85% asleep and barely remember this, but apparently my husband was literally just sitting next to us with one hand on the baby the whole time, so they let us be. About two hours later, the meds wore off and I finally felt awake again and I got moved up to a very lovely post partum room.
On recovery: Good. Effing. Grief. The recovery was AWFUL. I don't know if it had something to do with the mess that my labor was, or if all c-sections are like this, but the incisional pain was SO BAD, and definitely worse than I've ever heard people describe their c-section pain was. I don't think my experience was normal, for whatever reason. I literally refused to get out of bed to go to the bathroom when they told me to. It just wasn't going to happen. They finally took the foley out and said fine, but now you have to try to get up when you have to go, which was a few hours after that. It honestly wasn't completely horrible, a very sweet tech helped me figure out how to rotate, but it was pretty bad. As I told my husband - I can't believe people actually ask for c-sections, and I can't believe we do ex-laps on 90 year olds. It took me a solid week of oxycodone, 600mg of Motrin around the clock, and lots of time with the heating pad.... and I finally got to the point where I could get out of bed to go to the bathroom without my husband's help. It was bad, guys. 3 weeks out, and things are healing well, but I still get a weird feeling of pressure in my lower abdomen when I pee.
On my feeeeeeelings about c-sections: I mean, look. C-sections are part of my job. I've been to hundreds, some emergent, resuscitated countless preemies, run codes, dealt with everything under the sun that can happen in a NICU. I can't even count the number of times I've said that the most important thing is a safe mom and baby, and that fed is best, and I really do believe that. To be fair, I was exactly the woman on L&D I always feel sorry for, and always say "oh, this poor woman" when I get back to the unit after the c-section - the one who made it to fully dilated and pushing and still ended up in the OR. And yet, I was surprised by the depth of my feelings about this c-section and how adamant I was about exclusively breastfeeding even when I could barely function. And if I feel that way, even with being absolutely certain that this c-section was necessary, that the likely culprit was the cord, having seen this happen countless times as a provider, completely trusting my own providers, and knowing from a professional perspective that there is likely nothing that could have changed this outcome and the induction had nothing to do with it - I can't even imagine how it feels to someone who doesn't have that perspective and has more doubts about how it all played out. Pregnancy is weird. Feelings are dumb. There was nothing I specifically did about this and haven't really talked about it out loud, but time does help. It took a couple weeks for that sadness to dissipate, but I finally feel better about it, without a visceral I-don't-want-that reaction when I think about the possibility of a repeat c-section. I still don't think I want to just schedule a repeat c-section next time, given how horrible this was, but since the cord was the problem and it wasn't actually a failed induction, I am a fairly ideal TOLAC candidate and will likely give it a shot. And if it doesn't work, so be it.
On breastfeeding and bonding: The hardest thing I've ever done. I've managed to exclusively breastfeed so far, even through all of the initial pain. My milk came in decently, even with a c-section, probably because I had some labor to trigger it. I don't have an oversupply, but I do have enough for my baby and to store ~5oz of milk a day, and have not had to supplement formula so far. I'm hoping to use pumping and the haakaa to try to boost that to more like 10oz a day to build a stash, I just need to be a little more diligent about it. He lost 8% of his weight and had some slow weight gain, but never crossed the 10% threshold. At 2 weeks, he was 5oz short of birth weight, but given that he seemed satisfied after feedings, wasn't really cluster feeding, was peeing and pooping well, I knew I had at least as much milk as he was willing to take, I really did not want to supplement just yet. My pediatrician went along with it because she knew I was reliable and know what the real red flags are, and 5 days later, he was at birth weight, and we're just chugging along. I will say though, the only reason this is working because of incredible, unwavering support from my mom and my husband. They have done EVERYTHING. My mom cooks and cleans and stocks the fridge and brings me food wherever I happen to be sitting, and my husband has dealt with reorganizing all the things in the closets as the baby stuff takes over, taking care of the cats, and all the chores and errands. I have done absolutely nothing whatsoever than heal up and feed the baby in the past 3 weeks, and 90% of diapers have been changed by my husband. Even after his 2 weeks of paternity leave, he gets up at the 2am feed to burp the baby and change him and get him to sleep (he's a little refluxy so it takes some time) so that I can get a few extra minutes to snooze before the next feed. No questions asked, he's just doing it, and I love him so damn much. Watching him love on the baby is truly the most beautiful thing. It truly takes a village. Breastfeeding like this is so exhausting and draining, and I have not gotten more than 3 consecutive hours of sleep in 3 weeks, usually no more than 2, since I'm not even using the middle of the night feeds to give him expressed milk in a bottle yet, and this munchkin really likes to feed for 40 minutes. It's like a never ending marathon, but we're doing it.
I think the physical pain did affect bonding, though. It took a couple weeks for me to really felt like I had a baby, even with around the clock on demand breastfeeding. I was lucky that my baby figured out how to latch fairly well and effectively, so my only obstacle was keeping up with the schedule and sleep deprivation, and I never truly felt like I was heading into PPD territory or felt completely disconnected, but I also totally did not have that immediate instantaneous knock me on my ass feeling of bonding and love either. I'm going to blame this on how horrible my recovery was and the haze I was in, though, because this too simply got better with time. I was aware that this was likely the problem, and just tried to be kind to myself and not guilt myself over it. Just over 3 weeks in, I am so in love with my baby, and there is nothing better in the world than holding and cuddling him, and he's starting to be a little more awake and responsive to sound and we're starting to get the first hints of a smile, and I get butterflies when I look at him. The interactiveness definitely helps a bit, and I think it will continue to get better over the next few weeks. We worked so damn hard to get here and went through all kinds of personal and professional hell to make it happen, and it's just amazing to finally be here.
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2020.12.02 22:39 The_Insane_God So there's this girl...
Yeah yeah yeah, I know how cliché it sounds, but it's relevant. There's this girl (21F) that I (23M) have known since we met in high school during my sophomore year. We were introduced by this kid via our mutual interest in anime (well, to be more precise I was the fan and she was just getting into it). We talked for a while about anime and other topics, and since then we spent nearly every lunch period together. Sometimes we talked. Other times we just sat in silence. I'm a big eater, and she picked up on that rather quickly and would offer me food she didn't want or couldn't finish. After a while we found out we had similar interests, beliefs, and philosophies. We were genuinely interested in what the other was doing, and when she started a club revolving activism I was one of the first to join and become an officer. I'm also a huge gamer, and though she isn't herself she never judged me for my passion for games, and even expressed interest in learning to play D&D one day.
In my eyes, she's perfect: smart, beautiful, a good head on her shoulders, a strong sense of morals, open-minded, honest, and an unbreakable loyalty. She has earned by deepest respects, and (unfortunately for me) my deepest love. After we both graduated from high school, the topic of dating came up with the political and economic climate at the time and how it was seemingly a nightmare for people like us. I had been crushing on her for four years at this point, so I thought "Why the hell not?" and asked how she'd feel about dating me. She kindly said no, saying that while my point about us being great for each other was valid, she wanted to focus on finishing school for linguistics. As disheartening as that was, I understood her heart was in the right place and continued to support her dreams as I always had. During this time, we would go out for lunch whenever she was in town (she went to school in a different city about 5 hours away and I didn't have a car). We'd talk, catch up, etc. I enjoyed every second of those "dates", but I was careful not to think too much into them. I held onto a small hope that one day, once she was done with school or if she changed her mind that we could give a relationship a chance.
However, earlier this year, I found out she had started going out with another guy from my city. When I asked her about him at the time (not in an accusing way, just more of a "Congrats! Who's the lucky guy?" way), she told me that she met him at one of the other schools in my city and that "he's just like you". That kind of broke me, more than anything had before. I started to question what was wrong with me, that maybe it was my looks or something I had done wrong. And with that, I forced myself to let go completely. I didn't want to get in the way of her relationship by saying something I shouldn't. A few months later she reached out to me just to check up on me and see if I was free anytime for lunch. My current job has me working a lot, so I had to say no. We caught up as usual, then I dared to ask how her boyfriend was doing. She then revealed that they broke up two weeks after they started dating because some red flags popped up that she couldn't ignore. A bit of relief came over me, but I knew and still know that her position probably still hasn't changed about anything happening between us.
And about a week ago we started talking again, a bit more frequently now, and I found out that she'd been through a lot at home, especially during high school. Out of respect I won't get into it, but it left her with a lot of unresolved trauma that she's taking the time to resolve. As usual I voiced my support for her through her process, even if she just needed someone to listen to her vent (as I would do a lot in the years leading up to now). I still care for her, more than I have for anyone else in my entire life, but I feel like my mind is tearing itself apart trying to decide to keep my heart open to the opportunity or devote all this energy into looking for someone else. It's hard because, to quote Robin Williams from a movie I can't quite remember, "like God put a woman on this Earth just for you." I've been in relationships before, both before and after meeting her, but none of them really lasted for a wide range of reasons on both sides. I used to be excited about trying to meet someone despite how shy I am, but now I'm mostly so indifferent I'm hardly motivated to talk to someone I don't know for any reason outside of work. I just don't know what the best choice is. And please, none of the "the right one is out there waiting for you" BS. This day and age, it's not that simple. I've tried dating apps, talking to people in public. None of my friends know any girls who are both single and interested in dating, and I'm not as mobile as I'd like to be (still no car). So let me ask: what can I do? What should I do?
TL;DR: I've been in love with this girl since high school who is seemingly perfect but isn't interested at this moment despite having dated someone who is similar to me.
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